I just have to be me.

I'm not here to see how much money I can make or how successful I can become, and I'm not here to find the perfect man and have a perfect family or a perfect life. I'm only here to live my life, experience it, every bit of it, to the fullest, to not have any regrets but learn from all of my experiences, to laugh when I do something dumb, to hang out with people who make me happy, and to love, with everything in me I am here to love, to love myself and all of my flaws, to love my life no matter what I may be going through at the time because it's the only one I have and I don't want to squander any of my time with unhappiness, to love those around me even if they make me want to punch them, and above all else to love God. I'm not a perfect person, nor will I claim to be, I make mistakes and mess up all the time, but no one is perfect except One. I will live my life and I will enjoy it. Who knows where I'll end up or what my life will become but I will find happiness in wherever I go and whatever I do. People today have an outlook on how life is "supposed" to be and it shouldn't be that way. Everyone thinks you have to go to college or you have to get married and have kids and you should make sure you do both at a relatively young age, but life is whatever you want it to be. You could decide to be single for the rest of your life and be perfectly happy. Would society look at you like you were crazy? Yeah, of course they would. That's not "normal". But do we really want to be normal? Like everyone else? I for one was made to be a unique creation and that's what I am. I don't need to be normal or to be thought of as normal to be happy. I really wasn't ready for college until now. I actually want to learn now. But the world told me I wouldn't go back and I had to go straight after high school, let me tell you something, the world was wrong. I'll do what I want and in my own time. I'm almost 22 and everyone around me my age seems to be getting married and having kids. Well I'm not ready for all of that yet, who knows if I ever will be. Maybe I just haven't found the "right guy" or maybe he just doesn't exist. Either way I'm fine. I'm perfectly happy on my own, just as I would be happy if I found true love. I don't depend on anyone for happiness because you choose whether or not you're happy. So what do I want in life or out of life? I want to always love myself and see myself as a beautiful creation of God no matter how many wrinkles I get, I want to try and live healthier so I can always have a full life, I want to laugh and have fun with the ones I love, I want to create, experience and teach art, I want to photograph everything, I want to hold in my memory each special moment in my life, I want to enjoy what I do, I want to know I can be independent if I want to be, I want to always appreciate what I have no matter how little that may be, I want to freely forgive when I am wronged, I want to see the world, I want to look at life with new perspectives, I don't want to do something just because society thinks it's what I should do, I don't want to be over my head in debt, I don't want to have a family and be depressed, if I have children I want them to express themselves and be kids for as long as they can before they think they have to grow up, I hope I never grow up, and I hope to be a light in this dark world. I know I'm not always going to be because I tend to be stupid from time to time but I hope somehow and in some way I can effect someone, and I hope to be remembered. I don't necessarily want to be remembered by many or because I've done something extraordinary but remembered because of who I am. I'm not perfect but I'm okay with that. I've finally realized that I don't have to be. I just have to be me. 

A Sea of Forgetfulness

It's been a really long time since I've written on here, I guess I've just been busy with life. Lately I've mostly just been working and going to church, hanging with friends when I have any free time. I talked to the insurance people the other day about settling my claim and they're going to give me a thousand for pain and suffering which means I'll have enough to go back to college in the fall. I'll be going back to vhcc for two years and then transferring to hopefully milligan. It's a good Christian school and its not too far away from home, so I can come in on the weekends. I'm excited about starting school back, It will make me feel like less of a failure. I'm either going to take the liberal arts or education specialization in art program at highlands. I know that I'll be in some sort of artsy field, just not sure if it'll be a teacher or a photographer or what exactly yet. It will become clear though, I have faith in that. Also I think I'm giving up on the whole trying to find someone thing for a little while, and if it happens it happens, you can't force such things, you just have to let go and let God. I'm positive he will send me the perfect guy for me when I'm ready for him and him me. Home Depot is still going really well. Megan has given me every weekend this month off, I think because I've been working all week and having to be there at the crack of dawn lol. I'm hoping when corporate takes over making the schedule I'm still happy with it and they'll still work around my schedule. I think my goal in life at the moment is just trying to be a better me and not fall apart at the seems. I know that God has his hand over me and He never leaves me, I just need to read more, and pray more, and draw closer to Him, because lately everything but has been on my mind. I'm just going to try and chillax a little and get closer to Him and enjoy life a little without all the stressful nonsense. Also Trail days was this weekend. It was just okay this year. I got some new stickers for my new car (08 cobalt) from lowrider, and I got another necklace, and helped out at the church some but thats about it. I guess that's all I have for today. I have a Blogger app on my new phone (Droid thunderbolt) so hopefully I'll get on here more often. Until next time... <3

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A Little Bit of Life

So I know its been like a month since I've wrote on here so I'll try to update it a little bit. My life is still as confusing as ever but my outlook has improved. I've been working for a few weeks now and things have been going pretty well. Its not hard at all, or at least not yet. When it gets warmer it may be a different story though. I've also made some new friends which is always good. I'm still working on remembering everyone's names though. There's a lady that works there, her name is Suzie, but I've called her Rosie I don't know how many times lol. They're still working with my church/Bible college/Bible study schedule but the week after next I have to be there at 6am a few days, so if you see me and I look like a zombie, that's why.

At church we've been really focusing on being prepared so that we can witness to people and bring others to Christ, it makes me happy because its like we're preparing for battle, which I guess we kind of are. This summer we're doing this thing where we go out into the community on sunday nights, I'm excited/nervous about it, but I know as long as we're bringing glory to God it will be great. I've also been writing Christian songs and poems lately. I figured if I have a talent I should use it for God, I think its mostly Him helping me do it though because if I don't pray before hand, everything I come up with is lame lol.

On the subject of school... I have sent in everything to LU except the money part of it. I really do need to do my fafsa soon, but I think I'm going to put down a few schools just in case. I'm still not sure what I'm doing to be perfectly honest. I know that last month I was leaning more towards counselor but now its more towards being an art teacher. I'm sure God will make His plan for me clear in His time. : )

Oh, and the most stressful thing that's happened to me lately is I was in a car accident. I was driving past Davincis in Abingdon and a lady was in the median and she was going to go across the street to get on the exit 19 on ramp and didn't see me, so she t-boned my car... she was really nice about everything and so far her insurance (state farm) has been super helpful and everything has went smoothly. I talked to the body repair shop today and they told me that the insurance company would probably go ahead and total it out because of how expensive it would be to fix it. So I suppose after they settle with me I will be on the search for a new car. I'm just hoping they let me keep the rental car for a little while so I'll have my own transportation. I hate having to rely on people to take me places. But it'll all work out, I guess God decided I needed a new car lol.

So I guess that's about it, well other than the obvious and the randomness of my everyday life. Hopefully I'll remember to do this again before another month goes by, so until next time. : )

-JB

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Puzzle Pieces

I'm so confused in life right now, and not just about school and the direction that everything is going, I'm confused about everything. You think that you're okay and you have everything figured out and then everything comes crashing down and you don't know where you stand. I've been told that I can't go back in time and change anything so I should just make the best of the situation that I'm in now and to trust God. That's good advice if my emotions and the regret that I hold wasn't so overbearing. I know that I should just focus on God and that everything else will fall into place in His time but sometimes in life that's difficult. Things happen and they're not as easy as buying a new puzzle and having all the pieces fall into place. Sometimes you can't find the right piece, or you've lost it, or its found its way into another box. My puzzle is missing quite a few pieces and I'm not even sure where to start looking, so that I can complete the picture. I know this is depressing and I apologize, I've just felt lost for the past few days and writing helps sometimes. I go for orientation friday so I'm hoping that working will get my mind off everything. I just wish things would start to get easier. I guess that's all for now, I may write again later...

-JB

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This N That

So I called Home Depot today to check on things because I hadn't heard from them, and they told me everything came back good (of course) and that orientation is on friday the 18th. I'm excited! : D This not only gives me a job that will work around church but also a 25% discount on my cell phone bill, a chance to make new friends, and even a witnessing opportunity. I also think that I'm going to apply to LU again for the fall semester. I've prayed that if it isn't Gods will for me to go there that He will close that door and I won't be accepted. Career wise I'm still not sure what major I want to take but there are a few things that I've been leaning towards lately, which are: a counselor, art teacher, english teacher, or something in photography or graphic design. I know that's all over the place but I've prayed for God to place the desire in my heart for what He wants me to do and I'm hoping at the right time I will know. Today I'm leaning more towards counselor but who knows lol. I just want to do something to make a difference and I kind of want to work with people at a high school or college level. I'm in the drama team at church which I suppose is a ministry but I feel like I should be doing more, I guess that will work itself out in time as well. I've got this horrible issue of wanting to know everything now and that's just not how God works. In the youth group Bj is trying to get us ready for this summer, which I'm really excited about. We're going to be going out into the community and doing skits and stuff and witnessing and praying for people. Its going to be awesome! I'll have to work on being less anti-social for this one, which will be good for me. I guess that's all for now. I have to go to In the Country and give my notice and have bible study at 8. I may see if Bam wants to hang out before then. And I'm starving so food will also be in the near future. Until next time! : )

<3 JB

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Random Ramblings

Last night was the super bowl, Steelers vs the Packers, Packers won. If you have a facebook or watch tv or are social at all then you probably already know that. I went to a super bowl party at FBC (First Baptist Church) but I didn't come to watch the game. I go to Holston football games but that's mostly because I want to hang out and support my friends that are playing. I have no real passion for the sport. I came to hear an awesome speaker named Mark Estep, and he didn't disappoint. His message was titled being a champion for Christ, which was a little weird because I'm pretty sure that is what Liberty University says they strive to achieve in their students. I really enjoyed listening to his message even though it was mostly things I've heard a million times, things like salvation, and the fruits of the spirit, and praying for God to bring to our attention things in our lives that are displeasing to Him. I understand why he spent a lot of time on those things though because, well they're important and a lot of the people that we're there just came because they were invited by a friend to watch the super bowl and get free food, and some may have needed to hear that message. You can tell from reading my previous posts that I've been praying for direction from God in my life. For Him to lead me into what career He wants for me and what He wants me to do for Him. I had planned on going to LU this spring but I stressed out so much about it I ended up withdrawing my application. I'm just afraid of making a decision without being 100% sure it's of God, because I for one don't have the money to pay for something that I'm not supposed to do. I know that God provides for His people. I have been looking for a job for a while now that would work with my church schedule. Which means I would have to have monday evenings (bible college), wednesday evenings (church), friday evenings (bible study), and sundays (church) off. My family continuously told me that in this day and time that I wasn't going to find that and that I needed to stop worrying about my church schedule and just get a job. I told them that I had faith that God would send me a job that would work around church and He did. I had a feeling one day that I needed to text my friend Vinnie. We talked for a little bit and I ended up telling him about my job hunt, he proceeded to tell me that his place of employment (Home Depot) was hiring and that they would work around my schedule. I applied, went to the interview, got the job, and now I'm just waiting on the drug test to come back so I can start work. It was easy for me to trust Him in this situation but college is expensive and it's away from home with people I don't know. My fears are that I will be in debt for a long time, or its not really what God wants or that I will fail. As I was writing this I get a scholarship email wanting me to apply, go figure lol. Just, last night when Mark said the name of his message "Being a champion for Christ", Liberty popped into my head. I know that fear is not of the Lord but its really hard when most of your family is making a big deal about the money situation and wanting you to just go to VHCC (Virginia Highlands Community College), get a two year degree, get a job, get married, and have kids. You may think I'm joking or that that's very old fashioned but I'm not and it is, but that's my family for ya. But in my mind I feel as if God has something bigger planned for my life, something that I can do to glorify Him greatly and in all that I do. I guess all I can do is continue to pray and hopefully it will become clear soon.

In other news, my friend Aj drug me to this horrible church yesterday before we went to listen to Mark. I mean I guess to some people its an awesome church but it was no One Way Ministries. Her friend is the pastor there and had invited her and she didn't want to go alone, and that's how I got sucked into it. We got there at 6pm and the pastor didn't start preaching till fifteen till 7. Aj had already told him that we would have to leave early so hopefully no one was deeply offended when we left at 6:50. But to give a brief over view of this experience, everyone prayed out loud together, we sang hymns with no music, and when preaching did start, he screamed at us. I tried to get Aj to let me take him a microphone and explain that he no longer needed to scream but she objected. I'm honestly worried about the guys health. He screamed so much he turned red. But the odd thing about this whole situation is Aj and I never expected him to be a screaming preacher, he is so calm and quiet to talk to. I guess that proves the saying you can't judge a book by its cover. I appreciate my church and everyone in it so much more now though. I love OWM, I honestly don't think I could find another church that I feel so at home in. Its not like any other church I've ever been to, they are my family.

O! And an update on friday night CBS (College Bible Study), its awesome! : ) Its been said that its only lasting till the end of March but I think that so far its been very beneficial and attendance has been great so hopefully we will continue it beyond that point.

Well I guess I'm going to go try to find something to eat and read for a bit. Until next time! <3

-JB
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Wind

Today is a really windy day, and it kind of makes me think of how the past couple years I've went in a million different directions. I think maybe it's because the wind is blowing everything around outside that brought that to mind. When I was in college I changed my major at least 5 times and have nothing to show for it, I've fallen in and out of Church, and I've moved a lot. I was reading in Psalm, and I came across a few verses that stood out to me. In Psalm 78:34-39, it says:

34 When He slew them, then they sought Him; And they returned and sought earnestly for God.
35 Then they remembered that God was their rock, And the Most High God their Redeemer.
36 Nevertheless they flattered Him with their mouth, And they lied to Him with their tongue;
37 For their heart was not steadfast with Him, Nor were they faithful in His covenant.
38 But He, being full of compassion, forgave their iniquity, And did not destroy them. Yes, many a time He turned His anger away, And did not stir up all His wrath;
39 For He remembered that they were but flesh, A breath that passes away and does not come again.

The Israelites were witnesses to some great works of God. He parted the red sea, made water come from a rock, gave them food to eat, led them with a cloud by day and a fire by night, and yet they still sinned against Him and did not believe in his wondrous works. It says "When He slew them, then they sought Him; And they returned and sought earnestly for God. Then they remembered that God was their rock, And the Most High God their Redeemer." God had to remind them that He was their God and when He put them in a tough situation, they began to seek Him again. They remembered that God was their rock and their redeemer. I hear people complain all the time about how things in their life are bringing them down and their having a rough time, but maybe God is just trying to get them to seek Him. Every time that I fell out of Church my life fell apart. This last time, I'm pretty sure I was close to rock bottom. I got back into church and started seeking God again and things started getting better, not necessarily in the sense that all my problems just disappeared but the fact that I wasn't trying to do it on my own, that I had Him there with me every step of the way. Being a Christian isn't always easy, you can ask anyone that professes Jesus Christ as their savior and they'll tell you that. We are actually told in the Bible to expect suffering. But God has a plan, and if we earnestly seek Him it will all work out for the good. And when we mess up, because it will happen, we all fall short, God is compassionate, He sent His Son to die for us, so that if we would accept Him, our sins would be washed away. So that we could stand in the presence of God, blameless and holy, so that we can have a relationship with Him. I don't like comparing myself to the Israelites, but I, like them have been like the wind, and gone in every direction except the one God has wanted for me, and I have complained along the way. I know a lot of us can say that, but isn't it so much better to seek after God and give Him control over your life, instead of having to hit rock bottom before asking Him to help you back up? I'm not saying that every time we go through a rough patch that its because we're not seeking God, because everyone goes through hard times in their lives, I'm only saying that its for a reason. We may not know the reason or understand at the time why we are suffering but God knows the plans He has for us, plans for a hope and a future.

-JB
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