The Breaths We Take

Sooooo, me updating this more often didn't really happen because, as usual, life got hectic. Since last being on here, I got married to the love of my life, Devin. The wedding was wonderful, despite Dev hating the pictures haha. We haven't gotten the pictures back yet, but as soon as we do I'll be sure to post some on here. We've moved into an apartment and are adjusting to living on our own. Budgeting everything and trying to make sure we've saved enough to pay the bills has been stressing me out but I'm hoping that as soon as it becomes routine things will be less stressful. I'm still working at D&D and thankfully I'm getting more hours. My boss has been awesome with working with me to make sure that I have enough hours to survive. Dev works at food city and they've been giving him more hours too so that's somewhat  reassuring. When I get stressed out my OCD becomes worse and I have bad thoughts and junk though so I'm trying to deal with that. I really have no reason to be down because my life is wonderful. Just, sometimes my body is like, "nope, you're gonna be down today". I'm trying to fight it though. I went outside and meditated by a tree today and that seemed to help a lot. Dev suggested the meditating. He always has good ideas. I've always felt better when in nature too. When I was younger I used to go into the woods between my Nanny and Dad's houses and hide when I was upset. I remember a specific time when my Granny passed away that I went to this spot. It was a lot of little trees that entwined together forming a kind of canopy that I could just crawl into, sort of like a cave made of branches. I was upset because everyone was eating, talking, and laughing just like everything was okay, and it wasn't. My dad found me and tried to explain that everyone deals with things differently and that they were trying to be happy that she wasn't suffering anymore and was in a better place. I still felt like they were being stupid. He coaxed me out of my tree cave, but I felt safe there. Kind of like, like being surrounded by nature was protecting me in a sense. Protecting me from the harshness of the real world. I still kind of get that feeling. Sitting by that tree today, feeling the hot sun on my body, the breeze against my skin, the grass underneath me, I felt at home. It gets old walking around on concrete everyday. I like to feel the earth beneath my feet. I like to know that even when everything else feels like it could fall apart, I know I won't, because the trees, and the grass, and the flowers, they keep growing. The sun keeps shining. I can go on. Even, in the future, when I lose those that I love with everything in me, I'll have to find a way to remember this. I've been worrying about that a lot lately. I know it's a silly thing to worry about since I can't control it. I just hate the thought that everyone I hold dear I'll eventually have to say goodbye to. I know that their energies will still be around and I know that I'll always be able to tell the stories of the memories I've made with them to keep them alive in my heart, but I'm afraid of that void that I know will exist. I don't spend enough time with my family. I don't want to give up time with Dev or my friends either though. There just isn't enough time in life. People go about life like they have all the time in the world, they don't. Realistically I could die tomorrow and not have to watch everyone go before me, but the thought of their sadness saddens me too. There's really not a winning approach when looking at death. It's hard. Saying goodbye to those you love, and them saying goodbye to you, it's just hard. Even trees eventually wither away though. Even flowers turn to dust. It's a cycle. Maybe my Granny is living her life as someone else now, maybe she's in heaven, maybe she's the energy I use everyday to get up for work, I don't know. All I know for sure is that she was real, her hugs were real, the time I got to spend with her watching Wheel of Fortune and eating candies were real, her impact on my family was real. There may be a day when my memory fades and I don't remember all the things that I wish I could, but hopefully I'll be able to look back on things like this and a glimpse will reappear. I'm trying to win this debate with myself over whether to try and not get attached to people or not. On one side, if I don't get that attached to people then death can't destroy me. On the other side, if I don't truly put my feelings into people and love them completely then what's the point of life. I've distanced myself from my family for years because of this. I've lost people in my family since my Granny, and yeah it hasn't hurt as bad since, but I also didn't put myself into these people, I didn't let them impact me. The family I am really close to, my Nanny and Paw, Vick and T, my Dad and Kim, Mom, and Tim, my siblings, my Grandma, if I lost them I'd be hurt a lot. If I lost Devin, I'd be destroyed. That scares me so much. I talked to a woman I worked with at Home Depot a few years ago about this topic. She had lost her husband a year prior and was still heavily grieving over him. I told her I had a personal question about her husband but she didn't have to answer if she didn't want to. I wasn't trying to be insensitive, but I had to know. I asked, "Is it worth it? Losing him, I mean. Would you do it all over again if you knew you would have to go through this much pain?". She said she would do it all over again in a heartbeat. She said that the times they had together were worth more to her than anything. I wouldn't trade anything for the times I have with Devin. That's why I try my best to not get hateful with him and show him how much I love him. I'm so afraid that one day I won't be able to. I want to leave him with happy memories of me and I want to have happy memories of us. He's honestly the reason I smile everyday. Us being married, and me knowing that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me is wonderful. I only wish I didn't have these morbid thoughts from time to time. I wish that when I got stressed my mind didn't wander to scenarios of impossibilities. This has turned into a depressing rant and I apologize. This just helps me clear my head I guess. Getting all my thoughts down. Maybe that's what I need to do anyway. Maybe I just need to write more instead of keeping everything bottled inside of my head. Time to go for today, hopefully since we have internet now this can become a routine thing. Much love to all.

Forgotten Love

Hey guys! I know I've been MIA for a while. Unfortunately that happens from time to time. I'll try and update ya a little bit. So, I'm currently working at Dunkin' Donuts. I just started this past Friday actually. I really like it so far. I really enjoy the atmosphere and the people. I love meeting new people. I don't necessarily like hanging around people all the time, I'm slightly introverted, but I do like getting to know people and hearing their stories. I like seeing their reactions, and just learning about who they are in general. 

Sometimes when you meet people and build relationships with them it blossoms into a wonderful thing. You have mutual respect and understanding for each other. Other times, the way you were raised, your views and opinions of the world, or just who you are in general, clashes so much that you can't stand for them to be a part of your life anymore. When the latter happens, the only things that grow are negativity, bitterness, and resentment. Sometimes people just aren't meant to be in your life. This happened to me this summer. 

This summer I met some people and made some decisions that I regret a lot. Many people got hurt, including myself. I'm a fairly strong individual though. I'm more regretful for the pain held onto by others. Myself and these individuals no longer communicate because that's what I found best for everyone involved. It was a rough situation, granted, but I think in the end that most of what happened was for the best. I learned a lot of lessons through this situation. I learned about forgiveness, that everyone has flaws, that sometimes you just can't let go of someone that's affected your life in a tremendous way, that the grass is greener where you water it, and that love conquers all. 

Things are a lot better, and happier, now than they were this summer. I have a job that I enjoy. I'm starting to set goals for myself and I plan to stick to them. I'm going to be more dedicated to this blog as well as the new one I'm starting, Abingdon Artists. I'm going to create more. I'm looking for a second, more artistic job, for my second job. I'm also looking for a place to call my own. I have a wonderful best friend that I love to death. She's a constant in my life and I'd honestly go crazy without her and Leo (her 3 year old son, he's great). She's always there for me and always tells me the truth, even if sometimes it's not what I want to hear. She understands who I am and loves me anyway, and she's an overall amazing person. Devin and I are also back together and have a thriving relationship. My life tends to fall into shambles when he's not in it. I couldn't imagine life without him. I hope I'm lucky enough to never have to again. He's so good to me. I'm not gonna lie, I'm kind of a handful at times, well most the time (he says I'm "sassy"), but he has always stood by my side. He says that he's whipped but I think I'm equally as so. All I want is to make him happy and I think he wants that for me as well. He does a good job in ensuring that I am. I love him so much. On top of all of that I have a family who loves me and an awesome group of friends (who I want to kill sometimes but they're still awesome). Overall I've been very blessed in my life. 

Speaking of blessed, I've been trying to go to church more and get closer to God again. I've definitely drifted into the world and let it harden my heart to some degree. I want that feeling of closeness and wholeness back. I know that he's never left me so it's my job to restore that. He'll help me of course, but it was I who stepped away from the table. The song Can't Get Away by Rush of Fools comes to mind. It doesn't matter what distractions may enter your life to stray you off the path, God will always have a gold string wrapped around your finger to pull you back to Him. He knows those distractions are only meant for harm and He knows what's best for His children. If only all of us could see this when something shimmers in the distance. It may shimmer but that doesn't make it gold. The devil is very tricky and manipulative. When you get closer the shimmer fades and turns to darkness. If I had any advice for anyone currently chasing the shimmers, I would say, just stay on the path, it may seem difficult right now but in the end you will never want for anything else.

I remember the feeling of being close to God. It was the happiest I had ever been. Trials came and I turned bitter, not understanding that if I just stayed true He would help me through it. I thought I had been abandoned. I now know that the storm was meant to make me stronger and not for harm. We won't always know the reasons for things, but just like in any relationship, trust is key. 

In closing, I ask that if you pray, pray for my journey, my relationships, and the people in my life. There are a few people that need prayer in general. I won't add last names but God knows who they are. Please keep Devin, Lauren, Donna, Emily, Lyric, Danica and Mollie in your prayers. They're going through a lot. I'm sure there are others but those came to mind. Thank you for reading and God bless. (:

Privileged Prisoners?

Everything fits so neatly together
in their concrete world
Can we not escape it
From fear of letting go
of the comfort
We do as we please
as we abide by their rules
Keeping us contained with gadgets

With words we could use them to destroy
but we don't
Open your eyes
see the repetition
Like hamsters in cages
habitually going to their wheel
Going through life repeating
over and over
day after day
Our days are spent
they've won
Successfully keeping us at bay
Tamed
Domesticated
Everything running smoothly
somewhat
in their grand plan
Their vision of perfection
Taking away creativity
No one thinks
Technology disables
Ensuring we have no ideas
Ideas may lead to revolt
A rebellion
Ideas could lead to freedom

When the sun rises again we shall start anew.

We've all heard it said you need to give your whole life to God. Some people shudder at the thought because we only get one life here on earth, and we don't know how long we'll have here. We could die tomorrow. So if you think about it each day could be the rest of our lives. We are all called to pick up our crosses and die to ourselves daily, to be servants of God. It may seem like a lot to give your whole life for an inheritance, but what if you just gave today and worried about tomorrow when it arrived. Just living life one day at a time. Giving your life one day at a time.

Sometimes we will have days where we mess up. Where we live for ourselves. But when those days happen we can't continuously beat ourselves up over it, we have to recognize our wrongs and learn from our mistakes. When the sun rises again we shall start anew.

The greatest commandment is to love the Lord thy God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and the second, to love your neighbor as yourself. Serving God means living for Him, and living for Him means showing love through Him. We need to try and see people as He sees them, and serve as though we truly are His hands and feet. Working to heal the broken, bring hope to the hopeless, and light to the darkness.

God gave His only Son so that by accepting Him we could gain His inheritance. Not only to enter into the kingdom of heaven from the parting of this world, but to enjoy life more abundantly through Him on earth as well. It's only our reasonable service to serve Him after accepting such an amazing and free gift. There's no conditions tied to Gods love, but His Word states if we love Him we will obey His commandments.

This life is short. Like a vapor in the wind and then it's gone. What will you choose? Where is your eternity? Will you live as if you'll never die, and when tomorrow comes and you're standing before the throne will God say depart from me for I never knew you? Or will you live for God, so that He will say enter in my good and faithful servant?

At this a lyric comes to mind, "better is one day in your quarts than thousands elsewhere". One day in heaven is like a thousand here. Could you spare but a day for your Creator, your Savior, the Lover of your soul? A day to absorb yourself in his Word, to talk to Him, to get to know Him, to serve Him. Sometimes we look at a hill and see a mountain. Sometimes we look at a day and see a lifetime. How will you spend yours?

Outside Looking In

Some days it's like I have everything figured out. I know what I want out of life and where I think I'm headed. Then other days everything comes crashing down and I realize I have no clue what I want or where I'm going. No one does really. Well God knows. Seems that more and more of my friends are telling me that they have no clue where their lives are going or what they are doing with their lives. Which makes me feel a little relieved in some ways and scared in others. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this lost confused place that I find myself in but scary to think that the majority of the people my age are wandering around as aimlessly as me, what does this mean for our futures? I try to trust in God and let Him guide my life and I know that He knows where my future is going but it's hard to stay close to God and concentrate on everything else in life too. I know the devil knows this and uses it to his advantage. He wants us all to get distracted so our shield of faith isn't strong enough to withstand his attacks and we fall. It's also hard when everyone around you seems to be doing whatever they want and not walking with God. You want to hang out with them and be apart of the I'll do whatever I want group but on the other hand you feel guilty for not living the way that you think you ought to. Then there are the people that you think have it all together. The people that from the outside look like they have no sin in their lives at all. The people that you would classify as the perfect Christians. Well newsflash there is no such thing. It's really hard when you see these people that you think are perfect and you find out that they are just as screwed up as you are. It makes you think is there no hope for the human race? Is it not possible for us to be good? And then the realization arises that of course we can't be good, not all the time at least. If we could then why would we need a savior? Why would we have needed Jesus to die for us if we could do it on our own? We can't. To be a Christian does mean to be Christ-like. Although we should strive to be like Him there's no way we can be Him. If we could be exactly like Him then we would already be blameless and wouldn't need the ultimate sacrifice to restore our relationship with the Father. All we can really do is to concentrate on our personal walks and pray for those around us. Live and let live.

The Person in the Glass

Looking at the world through clouded insecurities. Lost in the endless possibilities. Where am I going and whence have I came? What is there for me to gain? Who is this person I see in the glass? Is it truly me or a guarded mask? Walking quietly trying not to break. Holding on for my sanitys sake. Trying to figure out the next move I take and trying not to fall in the choices I make.

Moment by Moment

Sometimes I lie here and think about my future and it scares me. Mostly because I don't know for sure that I'll have one. We're not guaranteed our next breath, our next hour, our next day. So I think "I have to make the best out of right now, and be happy in this moment, and live for God in the present".

The present is really all that's sure. The past only lingers in our memories, photographs, and heirlooms. The future is a mystery that's being revealed as we live day by day. But the present is right now, it's happening around me as I write this, and you as you read.

Of course I try to plan ahead so that I'll pass my classes, get to work on time, remember important events and so forth, but it's really only God willing. If its my purpose to live until I'm 87 then I'll enjoy every day of it, moment by moment, but if it's my purpose to die at 42, I'll still do the same. It doesn't really matter what we do with our time here on earth as long as we're glorifying God, because we'll have eternity in heaven.

A lot of people who live "recklessly" use the excuse "I want to enjoy life while I'm here". I have two reasons why these people are stupid. 1. You can enjoy life without endangering yourself and others. And 2. I'm fairly certain that there is nothing this world could ever offer that God couldn't top in heaven.

Sometimes when I think about my future it aggravates me and stresses me out. Mostly because of the fact I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've thought recently about going into journalism. Even though the outlook is declining. I'm hoping and praying that God will let me know soon what the game plan is. I just have to remember that it's in His timing, not mine.

In conclusion, the future and the thought thereof can be overwhelming. It can take a hold of you and destroy you. It can stress you out to the point that you're not even enjoying life anymore. It's not worth it. Just live your life in the moment. Have fun and be happy. Love yourself, love people, and above all else love God. <3

-JB