Treasure hunt?

I look back a lot. I look back at things I've wrote, life experiences, lessons learned, people I've met.... I probably ponder on the past more than I should to be perfectly honest. Some days I'm strong and happy and okay. Okay with being alone, with not having a career and not knowing what the future holds. Other days, days like today, I'm weak and insecure and lonely. I was looking back at one of my older posts today and envied the strong, independent person that wrote it. I tried to reach deep within me to resurrect that person, but sadly was unsuccessful. In the post I was content in life and just wanted to live each day to the fullest, enjoy every moment, and not stress about not having the "perfect" life. To an extent I still have that outlook but today I just didn't feel as confident in it. I'm sure in a few days I'll be out of this funk that I've found myself in, but until then, prayers are appreciated. I guess the only thing I can do for now is look for the good, try to be more confident in who I am, and not worry. I think this quote by an unknown author says a lot. "Don't miss all the beautiful colors of the rainbow looking for that pot of gold."

A few words or less

So there was this boy.... I fell in love....

I couldn't be patient... It ended in heartache...

Who's counting?

July 17, 1989... this was the day I was born. It doesn't feel like I've been on this earth for 22 years. I feel like I've done nothing with my life, with the time God has so graciously given me. I don't know how long I'll have in this small, yet overwhelmingly mass world I live in, but I hope I have long enough to make some sort of difference. Long enough to fulfill at least one of my dreams. Long enough to feel like I've lived.

I live my everyday life going through the motions mostly. Work, sleep, church, friends, being lazy... school will be added to this list in the fall. But what is it all for? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the most part, but sometimes it just feel like somethings missing. Sometimes I think the missing link is a guy. Someone to hold me and comfort me and tell me everything is going to be okay. But that's not it. Sometimes I think it's because I haven't excelled and completed school like I had hoped to do by now. But that's not it either. Other times I think it's just me being silly, looking for something, anything, to make my life less mundane. But that conclusion is wrong as well. I know one day I will find my perfect (the definition of this word is debatable) man, eventually I will finish school and have a career, and I know for a fact life is more than schedules and routines. But I think the main reason I feel like there has to be more and as if something is missing is because I've drifted away from God. I've tried filling the void with everything except the obvious solution. I want love, peace, happiness and health in my life. Thats what I strive for. The Bible plainly says He will give me those things if I live for Him. Is that the method I tried to follow to obtain that life? No, of course not. I'm Jess and I'm going to do what I want, how I want. (horrible outlook by the way for those of you that didn't already know) God knows who we are, and He knows the plans He has for us, so why I thought it was a good idea to do this crazy thing called life all on my own is beyond me. I've made some bad choices along the way, but like I said in my previous post, you can still find happiness, you just need to look for it in the right place.

So maybe I haven't accomplished anything in the 22 years I've been alive, but I have learned a few lessons that I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life, no matter how long or short that may be.

At Least I'm a Happy Mess : )

Sometimes the choices I make aren't the right ones but at least I make choices. My life is moving in some sort of direction. In making choices sometimes it brings about change but that's what makes life interesting. Without choices life would just be mundane and boring. Some of the choices I've made I admit were rather stupid but good has come from most of them anyway, and the ones that no good came from, well I've just got to try not to repeat those. Mistakes can be rather useful and beneficial if you learn from them, but if nothing is learned, the pain and aggravation is pointless. Sometimes choices are hard. You're afraid you will hurt someone or yourself, but ultimately if you don't make a choice and move on with your life you're hurting everyone involved because that's not really living your life, that's more like coasting along hoping everything will work out on it's own so you don't have to make a choice. Life doesn't usually work that way. Sometimes people get hurt, sometimes you'll get hurt, but that's a part of life that you can't escape. Some choices you'll be happy to make. Like do you want this free car? Well of course sir I will gladly take that off your hands. Or the question you've been waiting to hear since you were 8 asked by the man you don't want to live without. Those are easy choices. Life is made up of many choices like where you want to live, what you want to be, do you want to get married and have kids, do you want to drink, smoke, do drugs, do you want to settle down in one spot or travel the world? There are an unlimited amount of choices we have to make in life. We can't get them all right. At some point we're gonna screw up but in the end it'll be alright. You could make the choice to have unprotected sex and have a baby into a broken family or contract a disease but that doesn't mean your life is over. That baby could be the best thing to ever happen to you, it could put life into perspective and that disease could prevent others from making the same mistake by hearing your story. I'm not saying to have unprotected sex, because that would definitely fall under the bad choice or mistake category. I'm only saying that you can overcome bad choices and still have a happy and fulfilling life. But thats why in any decision you make you have to weigh the options and really think about it. Even the smallest decision deserves a measure of thought. In my case I have some regrets, but I try to look past them to the reasons I made those choices and then try to fix the problem. I'm currently trying to get everything back on track for where I want to go in life and trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I want along the way. I can't wait to start school back in the fall, I'm working a job I don't hate, and I have amazing friends. My life is good. Somedays I do get down because I feel like I'm never going to find that true love, but other days I don't even know if I want to get married. I'm a mess and I know it, but at least I'm a happy mess. : ) So the moral of my mini rant is choices are important, think about them for a short period of time, and then make them. Live your life, don't just exist.