Treasure hunt?

I look back a lot. I look back at things I've wrote, life experiences, lessons learned, people I've met.... I probably ponder on the past more than I should to be perfectly honest. Some days I'm strong and happy and okay. Okay with being alone, with not having a career and not knowing what the future holds. Other days, days like today, I'm weak and insecure and lonely. I was looking back at one of my older posts today and envied the strong, independent person that wrote it. I tried to reach deep within me to resurrect that person, but sadly was unsuccessful. In the post I was content in life and just wanted to live each day to the fullest, enjoy every moment, and not stress about not having the "perfect" life. To an extent I still have that outlook but today I just didn't feel as confident in it. I'm sure in a few days I'll be out of this funk that I've found myself in, but until then, prayers are appreciated. I guess the only thing I can do for now is look for the good, try to be more confident in who I am, and not worry. I think this quote by an unknown author says a lot. "Don't miss all the beautiful colors of the rainbow looking for that pot of gold."

A few words or less

So there was this boy.... I fell in love....

I couldn't be patient... It ended in heartache...

Who's counting?

July 17, 1989... this was the day I was born. It doesn't feel like I've been on this earth for 22 years. I feel like I've done nothing with my life, with the time God has so graciously given me. I don't know how long I'll have in this small, yet overwhelmingly mass world I live in, but I hope I have long enough to make some sort of difference. Long enough to fulfill at least one of my dreams. Long enough to feel like I've lived.

I live my everyday life going through the motions mostly. Work, sleep, church, friends, being lazy... school will be added to this list in the fall. But what is it all for? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the most part, but sometimes it just feel like somethings missing. Sometimes I think the missing link is a guy. Someone to hold me and comfort me and tell me everything is going to be okay. But that's not it. Sometimes I think it's because I haven't excelled and completed school like I had hoped to do by now. But that's not it either. Other times I think it's just me being silly, looking for something, anything, to make my life less mundane. But that conclusion is wrong as well. I know one day I will find my perfect (the definition of this word is debatable) man, eventually I will finish school and have a career, and I know for a fact life is more than schedules and routines. But I think the main reason I feel like there has to be more and as if something is missing is because I've drifted away from God. I've tried filling the void with everything except the obvious solution. I want love, peace, happiness and health in my life. Thats what I strive for. The Bible plainly says He will give me those things if I live for Him. Is that the method I tried to follow to obtain that life? No, of course not. I'm Jess and I'm going to do what I want, how I want. (horrible outlook by the way for those of you that didn't already know) God knows who we are, and He knows the plans He has for us, so why I thought it was a good idea to do this crazy thing called life all on my own is beyond me. I've made some bad choices along the way, but like I said in my previous post, you can still find happiness, you just need to look for it in the right place.

So maybe I haven't accomplished anything in the 22 years I've been alive, but I have learned a few lessons that I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life, no matter how long or short that may be.

At Least I'm a Happy Mess : )

Sometimes the choices I make aren't the right ones but at least I make choices. My life is moving in some sort of direction. In making choices sometimes it brings about change but that's what makes life interesting. Without choices life would just be mundane and boring. Some of the choices I've made I admit were rather stupid but good has come from most of them anyway, and the ones that no good came from, well I've just got to try not to repeat those. Mistakes can be rather useful and beneficial if you learn from them, but if nothing is learned, the pain and aggravation is pointless. Sometimes choices are hard. You're afraid you will hurt someone or yourself, but ultimately if you don't make a choice and move on with your life you're hurting everyone involved because that's not really living your life, that's more like coasting along hoping everything will work out on it's own so you don't have to make a choice. Life doesn't usually work that way. Sometimes people get hurt, sometimes you'll get hurt, but that's a part of life that you can't escape. Some choices you'll be happy to make. Like do you want this free car? Well of course sir I will gladly take that off your hands. Or the question you've been waiting to hear since you were 8 asked by the man you don't want to live without. Those are easy choices. Life is made up of many choices like where you want to live, what you want to be, do you want to get married and have kids, do you want to drink, smoke, do drugs, do you want to settle down in one spot or travel the world? There are an unlimited amount of choices we have to make in life. We can't get them all right. At some point we're gonna screw up but in the end it'll be alright. You could make the choice to have unprotected sex and have a baby into a broken family or contract a disease but that doesn't mean your life is over. That baby could be the best thing to ever happen to you, it could put life into perspective and that disease could prevent others from making the same mistake by hearing your story. I'm not saying to have unprotected sex, because that would definitely fall under the bad choice or mistake category. I'm only saying that you can overcome bad choices and still have a happy and fulfilling life. But thats why in any decision you make you have to weigh the options and really think about it. Even the smallest decision deserves a measure of thought. In my case I have some regrets, but I try to look past them to the reasons I made those choices and then try to fix the problem. I'm currently trying to get everything back on track for where I want to go in life and trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I want along the way. I can't wait to start school back in the fall, I'm working a job I don't hate, and I have amazing friends. My life is good. Somedays I do get down because I feel like I'm never going to find that true love, but other days I don't even know if I want to get married. I'm a mess and I know it, but at least I'm a happy mess. : ) So the moral of my mini rant is choices are important, think about them for a short period of time, and then make them. Live your life, don't just exist. 

I just have to be me.

I'm not here to see how much money I can make or how successful I can become, and I'm not here to find the perfect man and have a perfect family or a perfect life. I'm only here to live my life, experience it, every bit of it, to the fullest, to not have any regrets but learn from all of my experiences, to laugh when I do something dumb, to hang out with people who make me happy, and to love, with everything in me I am here to love, to love myself and all of my flaws, to love my life no matter what I may be going through at the time because it's the only one I have and I don't want to squander any of my time with unhappiness, to love those around me even if they make me want to punch them, and above all else to love God. I'm not a perfect person, nor will I claim to be, I make mistakes and mess up all the time, but no one is perfect except One. I will live my life and I will enjoy it. Who knows where I'll end up or what my life will become but I will find happiness in wherever I go and whatever I do. People today have an outlook on how life is "supposed" to be and it shouldn't be that way. Everyone thinks you have to go to college or you have to get married and have kids and you should make sure you do both at a relatively young age, but life is whatever you want it to be. You could decide to be single for the rest of your life and be perfectly happy. Would society look at you like you were crazy? Yeah, of course they would. That's not "normal". But do we really want to be normal? Like everyone else? I for one was made to be a unique creation and that's what I am. I don't need to be normal or to be thought of as normal to be happy. I really wasn't ready for college until now. I actually want to learn now. But the world told me I wouldn't go back and I had to go straight after high school, let me tell you something, the world was wrong. I'll do what I want and in my own time. I'm almost 22 and everyone around me my age seems to be getting married and having kids. Well I'm not ready for all of that yet, who knows if I ever will be. Maybe I just haven't found the "right guy" or maybe he just doesn't exist. Either way I'm fine. I'm perfectly happy on my own, just as I would be happy if I found true love. I don't depend on anyone for happiness because you choose whether or not you're happy. So what do I want in life or out of life? I want to always love myself and see myself as a beautiful creation of God no matter how many wrinkles I get, I want to try and live healthier so I can always have a full life, I want to laugh and have fun with the ones I love, I want to create, experience and teach art, I want to photograph everything, I want to hold in my memory each special moment in my life, I want to enjoy what I do, I want to know I can be independent if I want to be, I want to always appreciate what I have no matter how little that may be, I want to freely forgive when I am wronged, I want to see the world, I want to look at life with new perspectives, I don't want to do something just because society thinks it's what I should do, I don't want to be over my head in debt, I don't want to have a family and be depressed, if I have children I want them to express themselves and be kids for as long as they can before they think they have to grow up, I hope I never grow up, and I hope to be a light in this dark world. I know I'm not always going to be because I tend to be stupid from time to time but I hope somehow and in some way I can effect someone, and I hope to be remembered. I don't necessarily want to be remembered by many or because I've done something extraordinary but remembered because of who I am. I'm not perfect but I'm okay with that. I've finally realized that I don't have to be. I just have to be me. 

A Sea of Forgetfulness

It's been a really long time since I've written on here, I guess I've just been busy with life. Lately I've mostly just been working and going to church, hanging with friends when I have any free time. I talked to the insurance people the other day about settling my claim and they're going to give me a thousand for pain and suffering which means I'll have enough to go back to college in the fall. I'll be going back to vhcc for two years and then transferring to hopefully milligan. It's a good Christian school and its not too far away from home, so I can come in on the weekends. I'm excited about starting school back, It will make me feel like less of a failure. I'm either going to take the liberal arts or education specialization in art program at highlands. I know that I'll be in some sort of artsy field, just not sure if it'll be a teacher or a photographer or what exactly yet. It will become clear though, I have faith in that. Also I think I'm giving up on the whole trying to find someone thing for a little while, and if it happens it happens, you can't force such things, you just have to let go and let God. I'm positive he will send me the perfect guy for me when I'm ready for him and him me. Home Depot is still going really well. Megan has given me every weekend this month off, I think because I've been working all week and having to be there at the crack of dawn lol. I'm hoping when corporate takes over making the schedule I'm still happy with it and they'll still work around my schedule. I think my goal in life at the moment is just trying to be a better me and not fall apart at the seems. I know that God has his hand over me and He never leaves me, I just need to read more, and pray more, and draw closer to Him, because lately everything but has been on my mind. I'm just going to try and chillax a little and get closer to Him and enjoy life a little without all the stressful nonsense. Also Trail days was this weekend. It was just okay this year. I got some new stickers for my new car (08 cobalt) from lowrider, and I got another necklace, and helped out at the church some but thats about it. I guess that's all I have for today. I have a Blogger app on my new phone (Droid thunderbolt) so hopefully I'll get on here more often. Until next time... <3

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A Little Bit of Life

So I know its been like a month since I've wrote on here so I'll try to update it a little bit. My life is still as confusing as ever but my outlook has improved. I've been working for a few weeks now and things have been going pretty well. Its not hard at all, or at least not yet. When it gets warmer it may be a different story though. I've also made some new friends which is always good. I'm still working on remembering everyone's names though. There's a lady that works there, her name is Suzie, but I've called her Rosie I don't know how many times lol. They're still working with my church/Bible college/Bible study schedule but the week after next I have to be there at 6am a few days, so if you see me and I look like a zombie, that's why.

At church we've been really focusing on being prepared so that we can witness to people and bring others to Christ, it makes me happy because its like we're preparing for battle, which I guess we kind of are. This summer we're doing this thing where we go out into the community on sunday nights, I'm excited/nervous about it, but I know as long as we're bringing glory to God it will be great. I've also been writing Christian songs and poems lately. I figured if I have a talent I should use it for God, I think its mostly Him helping me do it though because if I don't pray before hand, everything I come up with is lame lol.

On the subject of school... I have sent in everything to LU except the money part of it. I really do need to do my fafsa soon, but I think I'm going to put down a few schools just in case. I'm still not sure what I'm doing to be perfectly honest. I know that last month I was leaning more towards counselor but now its more towards being an art teacher. I'm sure God will make His plan for me clear in His time. : )

Oh, and the most stressful thing that's happened to me lately is I was in a car accident. I was driving past Davincis in Abingdon and a lady was in the median and she was going to go across the street to get on the exit 19 on ramp and didn't see me, so she t-boned my car... she was really nice about everything and so far her insurance (state farm) has been super helpful and everything has went smoothly. I talked to the body repair shop today and they told me that the insurance company would probably go ahead and total it out because of how expensive it would be to fix it. So I suppose after they settle with me I will be on the search for a new car. I'm just hoping they let me keep the rental car for a little while so I'll have my own transportation. I hate having to rely on people to take me places. But it'll all work out, I guess God decided I needed a new car lol.

So I guess that's about it, well other than the obvious and the randomness of my everyday life. Hopefully I'll remember to do this again before another month goes by, so until next time. : )

-JB

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