Broken

Even as a Christian sometimes you have days when you just don't want to move. Like if you move you'll fall and break into a million pieces. Somedays you just want to lie there and wait. Wait for the time to pass, the feelings to pass, the horrible thoughts to pass. In those times we feel weak, unable to stand up for anything, not even ourselves. In times like these we should turn to God, we should fall into His endless love. We should pray, and read, and worship. That's not always what we do. We bottle up everything in us to open up everything at once at a later time. Then we hurt ourselves and those around us. We become angry and bitter, and we decide to fight against everyone, even those that are trying to rescue us from ourselves and the world. We feel alone and abandoned, when in actuality we never were. In these times we need to remember that we are being attacked, that we need to read and pray to be strong enough to prevail. We need to rely on the encouragement and guidance of our Christian friends and leaders. And most importantly we need to remember the love, grace, and mercy of God.

Lonely Bloom

Sometimes I just feel like being alone. I know at these times I may come off as being anti-social but that's really not my intention. I know most of my friends are just like “What the crap, where is Jess? Is she mad at us?” when this happens but it really has nothing to do with them and more to do with me just needing “me time”. I try to pack everything into my life, church, school, all of my friends, work, homework, and I forget to leave time for me sometimes, most of the time actually. So sometimes I just disappear for a few days, maybe a week or two, until I feel better. This weekend has felt like that, partly because I haven't felt so great and partly because I've just felt overwhelmed with life and needed some time to myself. Sometimes I like to just chill at my house, watch TV, eat junk food and lounge around in extremely baggy clothing. I love my friends, I actually think I have withdrawals from them sometimes haha. I love spending time with them and hanging out and being crazy, but when I get in this funk, or when I don't feel good, I just want to be by myself. I get paranoid and worry and analyze things a lot, so I worry that they think I'm mad at them or ditching them or something. Guys (this includes girls) if you read this, I promise I don't and I'm not. Just thought I'd rant for a few minutes, writing usually brings my stress level down and helps me see things in perspective. I'm like the bloom in the picture above. I'm delicate, easily broken, and alone, but I'm standing on the Rock, Jesus is my foundation. When I am weak, He is strong. <3

Victorious

So lately I've been angry at the world. There isn't one specific reason, just a bunch of things piling up that are causing me to stress out and want to hike ten miles on top of a mountain and live there. It has just been the little things but regardless of the situations in my life I shouldn't let them get me down or get me in the state I have been. Ten years from now who knows where God will have me. The crazy things that are going on in my life right now wont even be remembered. I hope not anyway. I hope I use my memory to store important things, happy things, people, places, and experiences that I love.

I know that I am not alone in this struggle. It says in the Bible that we have brothers and sisters facing the same situations. Though the “world” may be throwing all it has at us we all have to remember that we are children of God and He does have a plan for our lives. Jeremiah 29:11 says: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” That is an amazing promise. God loves us. He knows the future that He has for us and He wants us to find hope in that. Jesus also says to be of good cheer for He has overcome the world. Jesus faced the same things that you and I face today. No He didn't have a cell phone that died just as He broke down on the side of the interstate sending Him into a fiery rage, but He did face temptation, and He overcame it. We can overcome this world too.

Learning the truth is essential in this battle against Satan and the evil forces at work in this world. Reading Gods Word, meditating on it, asking Him to show us what He wants us to learn, and storing His Word in our hearts, is like sharpening the blade of a sword before battle. The devil will be throwing fiery darts at us trying to get us to fall and trying to get us to drift away from our Lord and Savior but if we are prepared then we can defeat him. God has equipped us with three of the greatest weapons.

1) The Word of God, the Truth, our sword.

2)The Holy Spirit, our comforter, our guide.

3)The Church, our teachers, the ones that lift us up when we think we can't fight anymore.

With these three weapons we will be overwhelmingly victorious over the enemy. Be warned. He is a liar, a manipulator, and very persistent. But the Bible says: “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.” (James 4:7-8) If we read everyday, pray everyday, get closer to Him, and just grow more in love with Him, then we will be able to see the devils attacks before we fall into them. We will be able to remember the Truth and not fall for his lies. We will be victorious.

I know that this started out with me telling you that I have been having a hard time lately, and this is true. But I know that it's just the devil trying to get me down so that I can't show Gods love, peace, and joy that comes with being close to Him. Even though things may get rough in our lives, we should still look to God for the answers. We should still show everyone around us the love that He first showed us. Life could always be worse. We could not know Jesus. I am happy to say even through the tough times, I am blessed. <3

Blessed

Today I've realized how truly blessed I am. I have an amazing family who would do anything for me. I have a place to live. A room and bathroom of my own. Food to eat. A car thats paid off A job that works around my crazy schedule which God provided. Being able to go back to school, which He also made possible. A loving, caring and close body of believers that I am proud to call my church family. Amazing leaders of said family. The most awesome youth group in the entire world. The best friends I could ever ask for in a million years. I don't know what I would do without them. I love them more than chocolate and coffee, yeah that much. I know if I ever needed anything or just a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to they would be there, and I would do the same for them. We keep each other up. As friends, and brothers and sisters in Christ we love and encourage each other. I love that. I love the closeness we all have. And I love that we're all connected by Christ. And most importantly I am regaining my closeness with God and the excitement of wanting to build that relationship and make it stronger. I'm not saying all this to boast. I'm only saying this because I truly am thankful for all God has given me, and as a testimony to how happy you can be with Christ. Yeah there are some things in my life that aren't going so great and there are things I stress about from time to time, but ultimately it's in Gods hands, and everything works together for the good for those who believe. You have to build a relationship with Him, you have to love Him, and you have to trust Him. Living life stressed out and unhappy is no way to live. Life is too short for that. Happiness is a choice. If you choose God He will give you happiness. And when bad things happen in your life He will be there to help you through it, He will give you strength. So to sum this all up, I love my life because of the One that gave up His for me. <3

Hike Your Own Hike

So I'm back in the real world. Away from all the nature and beauty that God created, and the freedom that it holds. I'm back to work schedules, alarm clocks, and cell phones. I can't help but wish I was back on top of looking glass mountain. The hike to get to the top was challenging. The temptation to stray off the path and take short cuts was almost unbearable. The urge the give up grew stronger with every step. But what kept me going was the strength that only God could provide, the hope of reaching the top and the promise of a beautiful view. I learned a lot from that hike. More than any hour sermon could have taught me. It was ironic because the lesson I learned was actually taught later, but if God hadn't shown it to me the hard way I would have never understood. Life is hard sometimes, a lot of the time, and you're going to have the desire to stray off of the straight and narrow, but if you stay on that path, the outcome is breathtaking, overwhelming and wonderful, greater than any mountain top view. I hope I can hold onto this lesson for the rest of my life. I hope I can break this cycle of stupidity. I want to love Him more, seek Him more, find the purpose He has for my life, I want to please Him. I learned more than one lesson this weekend at Overflow Camp 2011 but this one was the greatest. God knows how stubborn I am. He knows it takes pain before I realize the stove is hot. He knows us all, intimately, He knows how to teach us, and more importantly, how to bring us back to Him. The end result that we're looking for, the mountain top that we're trying to reach, is heaven, an eternity with our father, our maker, our best friend. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy Gods blessings here. If we follow Him and His calling for our lives, we can experience a little bit of heaven on earth, and a closer walk with Him. We just have to stay on the path, hike our own hike and be kingdom minded. The world will try to put obstacles in your way so you'll give up or stray but if you'll hold true God will give you the strength to make it to the top.

Treasure hunt?

I look back a lot. I look back at things I've wrote, life experiences, lessons learned, people I've met.... I probably ponder on the past more than I should to be perfectly honest. Some days I'm strong and happy and okay. Okay with being alone, with not having a career and not knowing what the future holds. Other days, days like today, I'm weak and insecure and lonely. I was looking back at one of my older posts today and envied the strong, independent person that wrote it. I tried to reach deep within me to resurrect that person, but sadly was unsuccessful. In the post I was content in life and just wanted to live each day to the fullest, enjoy every moment, and not stress about not having the "perfect" life. To an extent I still have that outlook but today I just didn't feel as confident in it. I'm sure in a few days I'll be out of this funk that I've found myself in, but until then, prayers are appreciated. I guess the only thing I can do for now is look for the good, try to be more confident in who I am, and not worry. I think this quote by an unknown author says a lot. "Don't miss all the beautiful colors of the rainbow looking for that pot of gold."

A few words or less

So there was this boy.... I fell in love....

I couldn't be patient... It ended in heartache...

Who's counting?

July 17, 1989... this was the day I was born. It doesn't feel like I've been on this earth for 22 years. I feel like I've done nothing with my life, with the time God has so graciously given me. I don't know how long I'll have in this small, yet overwhelmingly mass world I live in, but I hope I have long enough to make some sort of difference. Long enough to fulfill at least one of my dreams. Long enough to feel like I've lived.

I live my everyday life going through the motions mostly. Work, sleep, church, friends, being lazy... school will be added to this list in the fall. But what is it all for? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the most part, but sometimes it just feel like somethings missing. Sometimes I think the missing link is a guy. Someone to hold me and comfort me and tell me everything is going to be okay. But that's not it. Sometimes I think it's because I haven't excelled and completed school like I had hoped to do by now. But that's not it either. Other times I think it's just me being silly, looking for something, anything, to make my life less mundane. But that conclusion is wrong as well. I know one day I will find my perfect (the definition of this word is debatable) man, eventually I will finish school and have a career, and I know for a fact life is more than schedules and routines. But I think the main reason I feel like there has to be more and as if something is missing is because I've drifted away from God. I've tried filling the void with everything except the obvious solution. I want love, peace, happiness and health in my life. Thats what I strive for. The Bible plainly says He will give me those things if I live for Him. Is that the method I tried to follow to obtain that life? No, of course not. I'm Jess and I'm going to do what I want, how I want. (horrible outlook by the way for those of you that didn't already know) God knows who we are, and He knows the plans He has for us, so why I thought it was a good idea to do this crazy thing called life all on my own is beyond me. I've made some bad choices along the way, but like I said in my previous post, you can still find happiness, you just need to look for it in the right place.

So maybe I haven't accomplished anything in the 22 years I've been alive, but I have learned a few lessons that I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life, no matter how long or short that may be.

At Least I'm a Happy Mess : )

Sometimes the choices I make aren't the right ones but at least I make choices. My life is moving in some sort of direction. In making choices sometimes it brings about change but that's what makes life interesting. Without choices life would just be mundane and boring. Some of the choices I've made I admit were rather stupid but good has come from most of them anyway, and the ones that no good came from, well I've just got to try not to repeat those. Mistakes can be rather useful and beneficial if you learn from them, but if nothing is learned, the pain and aggravation is pointless. Sometimes choices are hard. You're afraid you will hurt someone or yourself, but ultimately if you don't make a choice and move on with your life you're hurting everyone involved because that's not really living your life, that's more like coasting along hoping everything will work out on it's own so you don't have to make a choice. Life doesn't usually work that way. Sometimes people get hurt, sometimes you'll get hurt, but that's a part of life that you can't escape. Some choices you'll be happy to make. Like do you want this free car? Well of course sir I will gladly take that off your hands. Or the question you've been waiting to hear since you were 8 asked by the man you don't want to live without. Those are easy choices. Life is made up of many choices like where you want to live, what you want to be, do you want to get married and have kids, do you want to drink, smoke, do drugs, do you want to settle down in one spot or travel the world? There are an unlimited amount of choices we have to make in life. We can't get them all right. At some point we're gonna screw up but in the end it'll be alright. You could make the choice to have unprotected sex and have a baby into a broken family or contract a disease but that doesn't mean your life is over. That baby could be the best thing to ever happen to you, it could put life into perspective and that disease could prevent others from making the same mistake by hearing your story. I'm not saying to have unprotected sex, because that would definitely fall under the bad choice or mistake category. I'm only saying that you can overcome bad choices and still have a happy and fulfilling life. But thats why in any decision you make you have to weigh the options and really think about it. Even the smallest decision deserves a measure of thought. In my case I have some regrets, but I try to look past them to the reasons I made those choices and then try to fix the problem. I'm currently trying to get everything back on track for where I want to go in life and trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I want along the way. I can't wait to start school back in the fall, I'm working a job I don't hate, and I have amazing friends. My life is good. Somedays I do get down because I feel like I'm never going to find that true love, but other days I don't even know if I want to get married. I'm a mess and I know it, but at least I'm a happy mess. : ) So the moral of my mini rant is choices are important, think about them for a short period of time, and then make them. Live your life, don't just exist. 

I just have to be me.

I'm not here to see how much money I can make or how successful I can become, and I'm not here to find the perfect man and have a perfect family or a perfect life. I'm only here to live my life, experience it, every bit of it, to the fullest, to not have any regrets but learn from all of my experiences, to laugh when I do something dumb, to hang out with people who make me happy, and to love, with everything in me I am here to love, to love myself and all of my flaws, to love my life no matter what I may be going through at the time because it's the only one I have and I don't want to squander any of my time with unhappiness, to love those around me even if they make me want to punch them, and above all else to love God. I'm not a perfect person, nor will I claim to be, I make mistakes and mess up all the time, but no one is perfect except One. I will live my life and I will enjoy it. Who knows where I'll end up or what my life will become but I will find happiness in wherever I go and whatever I do. People today have an outlook on how life is "supposed" to be and it shouldn't be that way. Everyone thinks you have to go to college or you have to get married and have kids and you should make sure you do both at a relatively young age, but life is whatever you want it to be. You could decide to be single for the rest of your life and be perfectly happy. Would society look at you like you were crazy? Yeah, of course they would. That's not "normal". But do we really want to be normal? Like everyone else? I for one was made to be a unique creation and that's what I am. I don't need to be normal or to be thought of as normal to be happy. I really wasn't ready for college until now. I actually want to learn now. But the world told me I wouldn't go back and I had to go straight after high school, let me tell you something, the world was wrong. I'll do what I want and in my own time. I'm almost 22 and everyone around me my age seems to be getting married and having kids. Well I'm not ready for all of that yet, who knows if I ever will be. Maybe I just haven't found the "right guy" or maybe he just doesn't exist. Either way I'm fine. I'm perfectly happy on my own, just as I would be happy if I found true love. I don't depend on anyone for happiness because you choose whether or not you're happy. So what do I want in life or out of life? I want to always love myself and see myself as a beautiful creation of God no matter how many wrinkles I get, I want to try and live healthier so I can always have a full life, I want to laugh and have fun with the ones I love, I want to create, experience and teach art, I want to photograph everything, I want to hold in my memory each special moment in my life, I want to enjoy what I do, I want to know I can be independent if I want to be, I want to always appreciate what I have no matter how little that may be, I want to freely forgive when I am wronged, I want to see the world, I want to look at life with new perspectives, I don't want to do something just because society thinks it's what I should do, I don't want to be over my head in debt, I don't want to have a family and be depressed, if I have children I want them to express themselves and be kids for as long as they can before they think they have to grow up, I hope I never grow up, and I hope to be a light in this dark world. I know I'm not always going to be because I tend to be stupid from time to time but I hope somehow and in some way I can effect someone, and I hope to be remembered. I don't necessarily want to be remembered by many or because I've done something extraordinary but remembered because of who I am. I'm not perfect but I'm okay with that. I've finally realized that I don't have to be. I just have to be me. 

A Sea of Forgetfulness

It's been a really long time since I've written on here, I guess I've just been busy with life. Lately I've mostly just been working and going to church, hanging with friends when I have any free time. I talked to the insurance people the other day about settling my claim and they're going to give me a thousand for pain and suffering which means I'll have enough to go back to college in the fall. I'll be going back to vhcc for two years and then transferring to hopefully milligan. It's a good Christian school and its not too far away from home, so I can come in on the weekends. I'm excited about starting school back, It will make me feel like less of a failure. I'm either going to take the liberal arts or education specialization in art program at highlands. I know that I'll be in some sort of artsy field, just not sure if it'll be a teacher or a photographer or what exactly yet. It will become clear though, I have faith in that. Also I think I'm giving up on the whole trying to find someone thing for a little while, and if it happens it happens, you can't force such things, you just have to let go and let God. I'm positive he will send me the perfect guy for me when I'm ready for him and him me. Home Depot is still going really well. Megan has given me every weekend this month off, I think because I've been working all week and having to be there at the crack of dawn lol. I'm hoping when corporate takes over making the schedule I'm still happy with it and they'll still work around my schedule. I think my goal in life at the moment is just trying to be a better me and not fall apart at the seems. I know that God has his hand over me and He never leaves me, I just need to read more, and pray more, and draw closer to Him, because lately everything but has been on my mind. I'm just going to try and chillax a little and get closer to Him and enjoy life a little without all the stressful nonsense. Also Trail days was this weekend. It was just okay this year. I got some new stickers for my new car (08 cobalt) from lowrider, and I got another necklace, and helped out at the church some but thats about it. I guess that's all I have for today. I have a Blogger app on my new phone (Droid thunderbolt) so hopefully I'll get on here more often. Until next time... <3

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A Little Bit of Life

So I know its been like a month since I've wrote on here so I'll try to update it a little bit. My life is still as confusing as ever but my outlook has improved. I've been working for a few weeks now and things have been going pretty well. Its not hard at all, or at least not yet. When it gets warmer it may be a different story though. I've also made some new friends which is always good. I'm still working on remembering everyone's names though. There's a lady that works there, her name is Suzie, but I've called her Rosie I don't know how many times lol. They're still working with my church/Bible college/Bible study schedule but the week after next I have to be there at 6am a few days, so if you see me and I look like a zombie, that's why.

At church we've been really focusing on being prepared so that we can witness to people and bring others to Christ, it makes me happy because its like we're preparing for battle, which I guess we kind of are. This summer we're doing this thing where we go out into the community on sunday nights, I'm excited/nervous about it, but I know as long as we're bringing glory to God it will be great. I've also been writing Christian songs and poems lately. I figured if I have a talent I should use it for God, I think its mostly Him helping me do it though because if I don't pray before hand, everything I come up with is lame lol.

On the subject of school... I have sent in everything to LU except the money part of it. I really do need to do my fafsa soon, but I think I'm going to put down a few schools just in case. I'm still not sure what I'm doing to be perfectly honest. I know that last month I was leaning more towards counselor but now its more towards being an art teacher. I'm sure God will make His plan for me clear in His time. : )

Oh, and the most stressful thing that's happened to me lately is I was in a car accident. I was driving past Davincis in Abingdon and a lady was in the median and she was going to go across the street to get on the exit 19 on ramp and didn't see me, so she t-boned my car... she was really nice about everything and so far her insurance (state farm) has been super helpful and everything has went smoothly. I talked to the body repair shop today and they told me that the insurance company would probably go ahead and total it out because of how expensive it would be to fix it. So I suppose after they settle with me I will be on the search for a new car. I'm just hoping they let me keep the rental car for a little while so I'll have my own transportation. I hate having to rely on people to take me places. But it'll all work out, I guess God decided I needed a new car lol.

So I guess that's about it, well other than the obvious and the randomness of my everyday life. Hopefully I'll remember to do this again before another month goes by, so until next time. : )

-JB

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Puzzle Pieces

I'm so confused in life right now, and not just about school and the direction that everything is going, I'm confused about everything. You think that you're okay and you have everything figured out and then everything comes crashing down and you don't know where you stand. I've been told that I can't go back in time and change anything so I should just make the best of the situation that I'm in now and to trust God. That's good advice if my emotions and the regret that I hold wasn't so overbearing. I know that I should just focus on God and that everything else will fall into place in His time but sometimes in life that's difficult. Things happen and they're not as easy as buying a new puzzle and having all the pieces fall into place. Sometimes you can't find the right piece, or you've lost it, or its found its way into another box. My puzzle is missing quite a few pieces and I'm not even sure where to start looking, so that I can complete the picture. I know this is depressing and I apologize, I've just felt lost for the past few days and writing helps sometimes. I go for orientation friday so I'm hoping that working will get my mind off everything. I just wish things would start to get easier. I guess that's all for now, I may write again later...

-JB

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

This N That

So I called Home Depot today to check on things because I hadn't heard from them, and they told me everything came back good (of course) and that orientation is on friday the 18th. I'm excited! : D This not only gives me a job that will work around church but also a 25% discount on my cell phone bill, a chance to make new friends, and even a witnessing opportunity. I also think that I'm going to apply to LU again for the fall semester. I've prayed that if it isn't Gods will for me to go there that He will close that door and I won't be accepted. Career wise I'm still not sure what major I want to take but there are a few things that I've been leaning towards lately, which are: a counselor, art teacher, english teacher, or something in photography or graphic design. I know that's all over the place but I've prayed for God to place the desire in my heart for what He wants me to do and I'm hoping at the right time I will know. Today I'm leaning more towards counselor but who knows lol. I just want to do something to make a difference and I kind of want to work with people at a high school or college level. I'm in the drama team at church which I suppose is a ministry but I feel like I should be doing more, I guess that will work itself out in time as well. I've got this horrible issue of wanting to know everything now and that's just not how God works. In the youth group Bj is trying to get us ready for this summer, which I'm really excited about. We're going to be going out into the community and doing skits and stuff and witnessing and praying for people. Its going to be awesome! I'll have to work on being less anti-social for this one, which will be good for me. I guess that's all for now. I have to go to In the Country and give my notice and have bible study at 8. I may see if Bam wants to hang out before then. And I'm starving so food will also be in the near future. Until next time! : )

<3 JB

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Random Ramblings

Last night was the super bowl, Steelers vs the Packers, Packers won. If you have a facebook or watch tv or are social at all then you probably already know that. I went to a super bowl party at FBC (First Baptist Church) but I didn't come to watch the game. I go to Holston football games but that's mostly because I want to hang out and support my friends that are playing. I have no real passion for the sport. I came to hear an awesome speaker named Mark Estep, and he didn't disappoint. His message was titled being a champion for Christ, which was a little weird because I'm pretty sure that is what Liberty University says they strive to achieve in their students. I really enjoyed listening to his message even though it was mostly things I've heard a million times, things like salvation, and the fruits of the spirit, and praying for God to bring to our attention things in our lives that are displeasing to Him. I understand why he spent a lot of time on those things though because, well they're important and a lot of the people that we're there just came because they were invited by a friend to watch the super bowl and get free food, and some may have needed to hear that message. You can tell from reading my previous posts that I've been praying for direction from God in my life. For Him to lead me into what career He wants for me and what He wants me to do for Him. I had planned on going to LU this spring but I stressed out so much about it I ended up withdrawing my application. I'm just afraid of making a decision without being 100% sure it's of God, because I for one don't have the money to pay for something that I'm not supposed to do. I know that God provides for His people. I have been looking for a job for a while now that would work with my church schedule. Which means I would have to have monday evenings (bible college), wednesday evenings (church), friday evenings (bible study), and sundays (church) off. My family continuously told me that in this day and time that I wasn't going to find that and that I needed to stop worrying about my church schedule and just get a job. I told them that I had faith that God would send me a job that would work around church and He did. I had a feeling one day that I needed to text my friend Vinnie. We talked for a little bit and I ended up telling him about my job hunt, he proceeded to tell me that his place of employment (Home Depot) was hiring and that they would work around my schedule. I applied, went to the interview, got the job, and now I'm just waiting on the drug test to come back so I can start work. It was easy for me to trust Him in this situation but college is expensive and it's away from home with people I don't know. My fears are that I will be in debt for a long time, or its not really what God wants or that I will fail. As I was writing this I get a scholarship email wanting me to apply, go figure lol. Just, last night when Mark said the name of his message "Being a champion for Christ", Liberty popped into my head. I know that fear is not of the Lord but its really hard when most of your family is making a big deal about the money situation and wanting you to just go to VHCC (Virginia Highlands Community College), get a two year degree, get a job, get married, and have kids. You may think I'm joking or that that's very old fashioned but I'm not and it is, but that's my family for ya. But in my mind I feel as if God has something bigger planned for my life, something that I can do to glorify Him greatly and in all that I do. I guess all I can do is continue to pray and hopefully it will become clear soon.

In other news, my friend Aj drug me to this horrible church yesterday before we went to listen to Mark. I mean I guess to some people its an awesome church but it was no One Way Ministries. Her friend is the pastor there and had invited her and she didn't want to go alone, and that's how I got sucked into it. We got there at 6pm and the pastor didn't start preaching till fifteen till 7. Aj had already told him that we would have to leave early so hopefully no one was deeply offended when we left at 6:50. But to give a brief over view of this experience, everyone prayed out loud together, we sang hymns with no music, and when preaching did start, he screamed at us. I tried to get Aj to let me take him a microphone and explain that he no longer needed to scream but she objected. I'm honestly worried about the guys health. He screamed so much he turned red. But the odd thing about this whole situation is Aj and I never expected him to be a screaming preacher, he is so calm and quiet to talk to. I guess that proves the saying you can't judge a book by its cover. I appreciate my church and everyone in it so much more now though. I love OWM, I honestly don't think I could find another church that I feel so at home in. Its not like any other church I've ever been to, they are my family.

O! And an update on friday night CBS (College Bible Study), its awesome! : ) Its been said that its only lasting till the end of March but I think that so far its been very beneficial and attendance has been great so hopefully we will continue it beyond that point.

Well I guess I'm going to go try to find something to eat and read for a bit. Until next time! <3

-JB
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Wind

Today is a really windy day, and it kind of makes me think of how the past couple years I've went in a million different directions. I think maybe it's because the wind is blowing everything around outside that brought that to mind. When I was in college I changed my major at least 5 times and have nothing to show for it, I've fallen in and out of Church, and I've moved a lot. I was reading in Psalm, and I came across a few verses that stood out to me. In Psalm 78:34-39, it says:

34 When He slew them, then they sought Him; And they returned and sought earnestly for God.
35 Then they remembered that God was their rock, And the Most High God their Redeemer.
36 Nevertheless they flattered Him with their mouth, And they lied to Him with their tongue;
37 For their heart was not steadfast with Him, Nor were they faithful in His covenant.
38 But He, being full of compassion, forgave their iniquity, And did not destroy them. Yes, many a time He turned His anger away, And did not stir up all His wrath;
39 For He remembered that they were but flesh, A breath that passes away and does not come again.

The Israelites were witnesses to some great works of God. He parted the red sea, made water come from a rock, gave them food to eat, led them with a cloud by day and a fire by night, and yet they still sinned against Him and did not believe in his wondrous works. It says "When He slew them, then they sought Him; And they returned and sought earnestly for God. Then they remembered that God was their rock, And the Most High God their Redeemer." God had to remind them that He was their God and when He put them in a tough situation, they began to seek Him again. They remembered that God was their rock and their redeemer. I hear people complain all the time about how things in their life are bringing them down and their having a rough time, but maybe God is just trying to get them to seek Him. Every time that I fell out of Church my life fell apart. This last time, I'm pretty sure I was close to rock bottom. I got back into church and started seeking God again and things started getting better, not necessarily in the sense that all my problems just disappeared but the fact that I wasn't trying to do it on my own, that I had Him there with me every step of the way. Being a Christian isn't always easy, you can ask anyone that professes Jesus Christ as their savior and they'll tell you that. We are actually told in the Bible to expect suffering. But God has a plan, and if we earnestly seek Him it will all work out for the good. And when we mess up, because it will happen, we all fall short, God is compassionate, He sent His Son to die for us, so that if we would accept Him, our sins would be washed away. So that we could stand in the presence of God, blameless and holy, so that we can have a relationship with Him. I don't like comparing myself to the Israelites, but I, like them have been like the wind, and gone in every direction except the one God has wanted for me, and I have complained along the way. I know a lot of us can say that, but isn't it so much better to seek after God and give Him control over your life, instead of having to hit rock bottom before asking Him to help you back up? I'm not saying that every time we go through a rough patch that its because we're not seeking God, because everyone goes through hard times in their lives, I'm only saying that its for a reason. We may not know the reason or understand at the time why we are suffering but God knows the plans He has for us, plans for a hope and a future.

-JB
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Experiences Vs Possessions

Last night I went to Handmade's concert and then had an airsoft war with some friends. Both were pretty awesome : ) After that I took people home and went home myself. I couldn't sleep so I stayed up till like 4:30 a.m. My mind was just everywhere, thinking has always been my downfall. Today I got up at like 1:30, yeah I pretty much slept all day lol. After I got up I exercised, ate, and watched a movie, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya sisterhood. The movie just ended and it is now 5:16. I just keep pondering over how I got to where I am today. I have memories of my life, just as everyone does, but most of it is just a blur. In six months I'll be 22 years old, and what do I have to show for it? I have had experiences in my life that hopefully will be stored in my memories the remainder of my life. Experiences I wouldn't trade for anything with some of the best friends I could ask for. But in all seriousness in twenty years, when I look back, what will I remember of it? I know that I need to pray about what God wants me to do in my life, what my purpose is, but right now I don't feel like I'm making a difference. I give advice here and there but am I really bringing glory to God in anything I do? I don't really care if I have a fancy car, a big house, or a lot of money, I mean I get a mansion in heaven that will last forever, why would I want one down here that will just waste away? I mean I want to have enough money to have a house and a car and be able to support a family one day, but I don't think one should base their life off achieving that. That's not our purpose. I do want to be in a career though that I enjoy, that I don't hate to get up and go to everyday. I hold the quality of my life over the quantity of things that I own. I do realize that here in this world we sometimes have to make sacrifices and suffer for the good but God loves us and I don't believe He would want us to be in a position where we would be miserable everyday for no cause. I hope in twenty years when I look back at this point in my life, I remember what God was doing in my life, my amazing friends, the experiences that I've had. I suppose I just need to keep seeking God and He will lead me into what I'm supposed to do with my life. I plan to be in prayer about what I can do to further bring glory to Him as well. In the end God's plan will prevail. : )

-JB

Near Death...

Last night I went to sleep around 4 a.m., at 4:30ish I woke up gasping for air. Realizing that I had just had a dream, I laid there in shock evaluating the dream that at the time felt so real. In the dream I was in the car with my aunt, I was driving, she was in the passenger seat. As I was driving my vision started getting blurry. I told her to take the wheel. She asked why and I said just take the wheel. She reached over and took the wheel while I tried to figure out what was happening. My vision seemed a little better so I told her I thought I was okay and took over driving. I remember driving a bit further and seeing a bale of hay in the road. After that things got fuzzy again and I blacked out. When I came to I was really close to the windshield. I wasn't wearing a seat belt and came close to going through the windshield but didn't. I could see car parts lying all over the pavement and could smell something burning. I tried to yell at Vickie to ask if she was okay but couldn't. I then realized that she was trying to pull me out of the car. I could feel the air bag and the seat as she pulled me out onto the asphalt. I laid there looking up at the dark sky and the smoke that was rising into the air. I prayed for God to help me. I tried to speak but couldn't, I was choking on my own blood. It was hard for me to breathe. My last thought before waking up was, this is it, I'm going to die.

-JB

The early bird gets the.....money for bills??

I went to bed at twelve something last night and woke up at nine, in the morning! I know shocking right? So around 9:40 my nanny (grandma on dads side) calls and asks me if I would like to go help her clean mimaw's (nanny's mom) bedroom because they are supposed to bring her a hospital bed to put in there to make her more comfortable and make everyone's lives easier in general. She, my nanny, told me that if I went she would give me some money on my bills, so having no money, of course I said yes. She says she'll be to pick me up in 15 minutes so I start to get ready. I went in the kitchen to get some ibuprofen, when I saw a note to me from Vick (my aunt, whom I live with), she had wrote down a list of chores and said if I did them she would pay for my car insurance. So I went to mimaw's and cleaned, and then came home and cleaned. The money is in the bank for my insurance and I have $45 towards my phone bill of $107 and $20 for gas for this week. My nanny also told me that if I would go help her another day this week she would give me the rest. So that's one less thing I have to worry about. : ) Hopefully home depot will call soon and I can be a self reliant member of society again, but until then God has given me an awesome family who is willing to help me out and I'm truly thankful.
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Plans in Decay

I have plenty of regret
In this life of mine
I feel like everything is set
Drawn out in a line
The mistakes I have made
Still haunt me today
Happiness forbade
My plans in decay
My dreams are no more
They've drifted away
My eyes are sore
At the end of the day
From crying these tears
That do me no good
From all the fears
That I'm misunderstood
You say You have a plan
A future and a hope for my life
To Your arms I ran
To escape this strife
Regret in the past
My dreams restored
I now have a hope that will last
From the life that you poured

-JB
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My God, My Guide

One thing that I have been praying about lately is for God to show me what career I'm supposed to go into, and what I'm supposed to do to spread the good news and to glorify Him. I'm still not entirely sure but I'm going to continue to seek Him and I'm sure He will guide me. : ) I do have to get a job and save up before I can go back to college so that should give me a little bit of time. See, when I went to college the first time I really wasn't motivated. I mean the classes I didn't drop I did fairly well in but that was the problem, I dropped quite a few of my classes. Mostly during stressful times in my life, but still, I have to learn to deal with the stressful situations in life and give my problems to God instead of running from them. The solution to my school dilemma is for me to save up and pay for so many credits and do well in the classes, then I can get financial aide again and I can continue on whatever path God sets out before me. If you would have talked to me about this a year ago I would have told you my whole life plan without even thinking. I would always have everything planned down to the T. But I've changed a lot in the past year. Not saying I don't plan to an extent but I'm not nearly as bad as I was. It says somewhere in the book of Psalm that you can make your plans, but God will direct your steps. His overall plan is greater than we can even begin to imagine, so it kind of trumps ours lol. This past week I have gotten back into a routine. I've decided I need to be healthier so I'm going to try to exercise 5 days a week, and I'm going to start washing my face and brushing my teeth twice a day, and just little things to try to make a better me. I'm not doing this for anyone but myself, which is why I think I'm so happy about it. I honestly believe that God wants us to be healthy, happy, people and I'm working towards that. I have zero scripture to back that up but in my mind it makes sense haha. Anyways, even though I am getting back into a routine, I know that I couldn't go back to the control freak I was before because God should have control over my life not me. He gave His only Son so I could have eternal life with Him, the least I can do is give Him my life here on earth right? And it is hard to give Him our problems and worries and even our time sometimes but that's what He wants. He wants a relationship with us, He wants to be involved in every aspect of our lives, big or small. Jesus said to take up our cross daily and follow Him. Which to me means we have to try our best to let go of our selfish selves and be Christ-like, to put Him first in our lives above everything else, and to give our lives completely over to Him. That's all for tonight. Below are a few verses I found tonight that really spoke to me. Until next time... : )
-JB

The LORD will guide you continually,
And satisfy your soul in drought,
And strengthen your bones;
You shall be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.
-Isaiah 58:11

For this God is our God for ever and ever: he will be our guide even unto death.
-Psalm 48:14

You will guide me with Your counsel,
And afterward receive me to glory.
-Psalm 73:24

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Early Morning Thoughts...

Its 2:14 a.m. As I lay here in bed I start to think, which on a normal day is a very dangerous thing, but today is different. Today has been a really good day for me. And when I say today I don't mean the 2 hours of the day that I'm in, I'm referring to the time since I woke up until now haha : ) Anyways, most of today I've spent by myself, listening to contemporary Christian music, eating, watching cartoons (yes I am 21 years old and still watch cartoons :P), reading, doing laundry, folding/putting away clothes, until my aunt came home and I helped her measure rooms for the hardwood floors she wants, and watched an exercise cd with her while sitting in recliners (unproductive, yes, but we plan to start this routine tomorrow ^_^), I watched a little bit more tv, read a little more, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and now here we are. So I'm just going to share a little bit of what's on my mind this early morning.....I'm not currently in school or working and I don't have a boyfriend, sounds depressing right? Actually at this present moment in time, I'm happy. I should probably be upset about all three of these facts, and most of the time I stress out about them a lot, but right now I'm okay with it. God has a plan for my life and I just have to trust Him. I'll explain my current situation a bit further. I am employed but because of the season I'm not getting any hours, but hopefully I will have another job soon. I applied to the home depot and they have sent off my background check so I'm hoping that's a good sign. School, well that's a story in itself but the gist of it is I have no idea what career God is leading me into. I honestly believe that He will guide me into what I am supposed to do. I've been wanting to learn sign language so I may save up money and go and take classes for my certificate in that. I'm just going to pray about it and see which direction God sends me in. In Psalm it says He will direct our steps, so I'm just holding onto that. Lately I've been reading a lot in the book of Psalm. I'm trying to read at least five chapters a day so I can finish it in a month, that's my goal at least. And to the subject of a boyfriend... I actually broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years a little over a year ago. It had been a year on December 24th, Christmas eve, I know that sounds awful, but I guess stuff happens. To be perfectly honest I'm not entirely sure why it fell apart, and it really wasn't all that bad, he is a really great guy, I just felt like we had drifted apart, like it wasn't equal, like our relationship wasn't as important. I'm not sure if that makes sense but regardless it ended. This past Christmas was rough because all I could think about was what a horrible person I was for doing that to him, especially around the holidays, but I'm a strong believer in everything happens for a reason and I wouldn't be where I am today if we were still together. I wouldn't be as close to God as I am now and I wouldn't have the awesome friends that I have grown to love with everything in me. I have no clue what I would have done if they hadn't been there for me. At one point this year I fell out of church, I got into things of my past, partying and such. My friends didn't give up on me, and God didn't give up on me. When I'm stupid and I stray away, no matter how big or small the mistakes, He always brings me back to Him. He is my first love and I don't ever want to let Him go. I am just working now to get as close to Him as I can and to seek direction in my life. He will send me my perfect match when the time is right. It may be a stranger, someone I'm going to meet in the future, or it could be a friendship that will grow into something more. I don't know the plan that God has for my life but I know He'll take care of me and all my needs. I feel strongly that He is molding me and my future husband into who we need to be, for Him, and for each other. I know I'll worry about these things again, so I'm not going to lie and say I won't, but it really is pointless, and I'm hoping that I can look back at this and feel the feeling I have now, of peace. Peace and joy from God because I'm trusting Him with my life and not trying to fix it all on my own. I've got bills I'm not going to have the money to pay come the first of the month, my "you're about to run out of gas light" aka idiot light, is on, and still no hours, but I have faith that my needs will be met. I have an awesome family that has helped me out a lot through my financial troubles and I am truly grateful for them. God has blessed me with so much in this life and I don't deserve any of it. He has given me so much, I honestly owe Him everything, all of me, my whole life.

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. -Matthew 10:39

That's all for tonight I suppose its been exactly an hour since I started writing this. I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes.
-JB

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
-Marilyn Monroe

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Grace

You stand there waiting on the day
That He's coming back for you
You try to stand up straight
And do what you should do
He died to take away your sin
You are now seen blameless in Gods sight
So why are we back here again
Just praise God and live your life
All He wants is a relationship with you
Not for you to constantly apologize
And spread the good news to who
Everyone, they are equal in Gods eyes
Not excusing anyones sin
But you have been bought with a price
Now all we need is to begin
Looking like Christ
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Not Knowing

You left me here
In this dark place
When you took your last breath
I'm filled with fear
That you've lost your case
Since your death
I don't know what to do
I don't know where to go
I can't do this alone
This is all so new
I'm at my all time low
I can't look at this stone
I don't think I can breathe
How do I go on
How do I cope with this
I need to grieve
But I won't admit that you're gone
All the times you will miss
Goodbye sweet love
I hope you're in a good place
Somewhere I can see you again
In heaven above
Where I can touch your face
Let the healing begin
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Love, a four letter word <3

Love is a four letter word I know
But its one I just can't let go
It means I'll be there till the end
By your side, an everlasting friend
It means I'll hold you when you cry
And never really say goodbye
It means to be there in times of need
And appreciate every deed
It means to look past every flaw
And to catch you when you fall
It means to do little things just to show I care
And comfort you when the worlds not fair
It means to say sorry even when you're wrong
And when you're weak I will be strong
Love is a four letter word I know
But its one I just can't let go
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