Am I lost?

I often times feel lost. Do you ever feel that way? Like you’re wandering aimlessly through time? I feel like my life lacks purpose recently. I hope that I’m making Devin happy, and I work almost every day, and I try to keep the house in order, but it just doesn’t seem like I’m doing anything of importance. The only thing that really gives me joy is spending time with Devin. That’s what I look forward to everyday. I feel like that’s selfish of me though. It gives me joy and I hope it gives him happiness, but I’m not really doing anything in my life to help others or to leave an impact on the world. I’m not really sure what to do or what I would have time to do. It just seems that I’m so tired lately. I honestly just wish I had three whole days to do nothing but sleep. I used to do that all the time when I would get depressed. I’m not necessarily depressed at this moment, but I just feel drained, and lost. I think maybe it’s because I haven’t had time to do anything artsy lately. I haven’t drawn anything in forever and it’s been months since I’ve been to a concert. I’m going to see The Wizard of Oz at The Barter Theatre this Saturday so I’m hoping that helps. I started another blog called Abingdon Artists but I have yet to update it. A part of me feels that I’m not knowledgeable enough about music to have that sort of blog. I need someone that knows more about the dynamics to give me some insight. Maybe I could interview the audience and the bands or something. I haven’t really been taking as many pictures lately either. I guess because of all the stress of trying to make sure we have enough money for everything I’ve forgotten to make time for myself and to do the things I enjoy. I enjoy spending time with Dev and watching Dragon Ball Z and whatnot, but I need to set aside some time for me to be creative. I feel like it all just gets built up inside of me and if I don’t have an outlet I may explode. As I’ve said before, writing helps a lot as well. I also currently have a kidney stone so that’s not really helping with my mood either. I’ve just been a regular Negative Nancy lately and I have to find a way to turn that around. That’s not who I am. I need to find the energy to do the things I need to do, help the people I want to help, and leave a lasting impression on this world before I’m no longer in it.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. I've had a lot on my mind today. The thoughts in my head bounce around from the topics of those who have impacted me in my life and helped me to become the person I am today, the loss that I faced this past year, and what the future is going to hold.

Growing up I've had several people in my life that have helped raise me. I've learned a lot from every one of them because they have experienced different things and have different views of the world to offer. I think maybe that's why I'm so open minded to what others think. I don't always, or normally don't, agree with what others think, but I am open to the idea that they could be right, or the fact that in their reality that maybe that's what they need to believe. I'm so thankful for every one of these people. I don't think that I show them that enough. That makes me feel selfish on most days. It's just really hard for me to find a balance to life. How do you find the time for everyone you feel like you need time for, still make time for yourself, and fulfill your responsibilities? Maybe it's something I still have to grow into. I always try to plan everything out and fit everything neatly into a schedule, but life just doesn't work that way. I hope that these people that have tried so hard to ensure my happiness are proud of the person I am becoming. I hate the thought of disappointing people. To an extent you have to live life to make yourself happy, but I feel like it's equally important to make sure those around you are happy too. Showing love to others and spreading smiles is what keeps this world from being a dismal place. Lately I've been a little bit more down than usual and I haven't been showing kindness as a side effect. I'm going to start showing little acts of kindness again because not only does it make me happy but it makes others happy as well. I read somewhere once that if you're sad you should do something for someone else because that is one of the most uplifting things you can do. They were right. Sometimes you don't even feel like showing kindness when you start and by the end you're happy that you did. Seeing the smiles on the faces of the people that you've helped is payment enough for any time or money that you may have spent. I'm thankful that my family instilled in me a good heart. There are people I meet daily that unfortunately weren't as lucky. Not that they couldn't still change the way they view the world, but it's just easier if you know how to look at things in a positive light from an early age. Always looking for the silver lining.

I guess today I'm trying to look for the silver lining in the fact that I lost my baby this year. Even though I never got to meet him, I named him Aiden King. Not many people know this fact but that doesn't make it any less true. It being Mother's Day, and close to the time that I would have given birth, it makes today a little bleh for me. I remember when I found out that I was pregnant I wasn't really that excited because it wasn't planned at all. I didn't even think I could get pregnant because of some other issues that I had had prior. It was a shock to say the least. As the weeks went by though I became very fond of the thought that there was a life growing inside of me and that one day I would hold it in my arms and love it forever. I became really protective of it. Then I had the dream that I lost it. Since my dreams have a bad habit of coming true I tried to brace myself for what I feared was coming. It didn't help at all. I went to the hospital one day because I had a horrible feeling that something was wrong, and I was right. My baby had stopped growing. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. Devin was there for me and helped comfort me along with some of my friends and family. Dev tried to get me to see the silver lining by saying that it wasn't under the right circumstances, and he was right. It doesn't take away the fact that I fell in love with something that I could never see or hold. I know that my life probably wouldn't be where it is now if things hadn't happened the way they did so in a way I'm thankful for the way things turned out, but the other half of me just wishes that I hadn't had to give up something I loved. People say that there's nothing like a mother's love, they're right. It's probably the strongest emotion that I've ever felt in my life. The connection. The love I have for Devin is probably as strong but we're connected but in a different sense. Probably a more important sense. I feel like I'm connected to Devin through my mind, my heart, and my spirit. When we have a child it's going to be the best child in the entire universe, ever. If it's anything like him then it will be perfect.

Some days I want a baby now. I see other people and their children and I want that. Then other days I think about how different life would be with a child and I don't think I'm ready. I am just so afraid that I'll end up having to lose time with Devin and us not get to be silly like we are now. I don't get to see him enough as I'd like now. If we had a child, we'd have to find a bigger place so we'd have room for the baby and all it's things, we'd have to try and work as much as possible so we could give our child everything that it needed/wanted, and we'd have to make sure that we could work, spend time together, and spend time as a family to give our child the attention that it needed. Having a child is a big commitment. Even if it's not soon, I know that one day Devin and I will have a family together. We're a family of two now, but one day we'll make it grow. I know that Devin will be an amazing father. I just hope that I can be the mother that it deserves and the wife that Devin deserves.

I guess that's all for today. I'm going to try to motivate myself to get some things accomplished. Talk to ya soon! (:

The Breaths We Take

Sooooo, me updating this more often didn't really happen because, as usual, life got hectic. Since last being on here, I got married to the love of my life, Devin. The wedding was wonderful, despite Dev hating the pictures haha. We haven't gotten the pictures back yet, but as soon as we do I'll be sure to post some on here. We've moved into an apartment and are adjusting to living on our own. Budgeting everything and trying to make sure we've saved enough to pay the bills has been stressing me out but I'm hoping that as soon as it becomes routine things will be less stressful. I'm still working at D&D and thankfully I'm getting more hours. My boss has been awesome with working with me to make sure that I have enough hours to survive. Dev works at food city and they've been giving him more hours too so that's somewhat  reassuring. When I get stressed out my OCD becomes worse and I have bad thoughts and junk though so I'm trying to deal with that. I really have no reason to be down because my life is wonderful. Just, sometimes my body is like, "nope, you're gonna be down today". I'm trying to fight it though. I went outside and meditated by a tree today and that seemed to help a lot. Dev suggested the meditating. He always has good ideas. I've always felt better when in nature too. When I was younger I used to go into the woods between my Nanny and Dad's houses and hide when I was upset. I remember a specific time when my Granny passed away that I went to this spot. It was a lot of little trees that entwined together forming a kind of canopy that I could just crawl into, sort of like a cave made of branches. I was upset because everyone was eating, talking, and laughing just like everything was okay, and it wasn't. My dad found me and tried to explain that everyone deals with things differently and that they were trying to be happy that she wasn't suffering anymore and was in a better place. I still felt like they were being stupid. He coaxed me out of my tree cave, but I felt safe there. Kind of like, like being surrounded by nature was protecting me in a sense. Protecting me from the harshness of the real world. I still kind of get that feeling. Sitting by that tree today, feeling the hot sun on my body, the breeze against my skin, the grass underneath me, I felt at home. It gets old walking around on concrete everyday. I like to feel the earth beneath my feet. I like to know that even when everything else feels like it could fall apart, I know I won't, because the trees, and the grass, and the flowers, they keep growing. The sun keeps shining. I can go on. Even, in the future, when I lose those that I love with everything in me, I'll have to find a way to remember this. I've been worrying about that a lot lately. I know it's a silly thing to worry about since I can't control it. I just hate the thought that everyone I hold dear I'll eventually have to say goodbye to. I know that their energies will still be around and I know that I'll always be able to tell the stories of the memories I've made with them to keep them alive in my heart, but I'm afraid of that void that I know will exist. I don't spend enough time with my family. I don't want to give up time with Dev or my friends either though. There just isn't enough time in life. People go about life like they have all the time in the world, they don't. Realistically I could die tomorrow and not have to watch everyone go before me, but the thought of their sadness saddens me too. There's really not a winning approach when looking at death. It's hard. Saying goodbye to those you love, and them saying goodbye to you, it's just hard. Even trees eventually wither away though. Even flowers turn to dust. It's a cycle. Maybe my Granny is living her life as someone else now, maybe she's in heaven, maybe she's the energy I use everyday to get up for work, I don't know. All I know for sure is that she was real, her hugs were real, the time I got to spend with her watching Wheel of Fortune and eating candies were real, her impact on my family was real. There may be a day when my memory fades and I don't remember all the things that I wish I could, but hopefully I'll be able to look back on things like this and a glimpse will reappear. I'm trying to win this debate with myself over whether to try and not get attached to people or not. On one side, if I don't get that attached to people then death can't destroy me. On the other side, if I don't truly put my feelings into people and love them completely then what's the point of life. I've distanced myself from my family for years because of this. I've lost people in my family since my Granny, and yeah it hasn't hurt as bad since, but I also didn't put myself into these people, I didn't let them impact me. The family I am really close to, my Nanny and Paw, Vick and T, my Dad and Kim, Mom, and Tim, my siblings, my Grandma, if I lost them I'd be hurt a lot. If I lost Devin, I'd be destroyed. That scares me so much. I talked to a woman I worked with at Home Depot a few years ago about this topic. She had lost her husband a year prior and was still heavily grieving over him. I told her I had a personal question about her husband but she didn't have to answer if she didn't want to. I wasn't trying to be insensitive, but I had to know. I asked, "Is it worth it? Losing him, I mean. Would you do it all over again if you knew you would have to go through this much pain?". She said she would do it all over again in a heartbeat. She said that the times they had together were worth more to her than anything. I wouldn't trade anything for the times I have with Devin. That's why I try my best to not get hateful with him and show him how much I love him. I'm so afraid that one day I won't be able to. I want to leave him with happy memories of me and I want to have happy memories of us. He's honestly the reason I smile everyday. Us being married, and me knowing that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me is wonderful. I only wish I didn't have these morbid thoughts from time to time. I wish that when I got stressed my mind didn't wander to scenarios of impossibilities. This has turned into a depressing rant and I apologize. This just helps me clear my head I guess. Getting all my thoughts down. Maybe that's what I need to do anyway. Maybe I just need to write more instead of keeping everything bottled inside of my head. Time to go for today, hopefully since we have internet now this can become a routine thing. Much love to all.