Experiences Vs Possessions

Last night I went to Handmade's concert and then had an airsoft war with some friends. Both were pretty awesome : ) After that I took people home and went home myself. I couldn't sleep so I stayed up till like 4:30 a.m. My mind was just everywhere, thinking has always been my downfall. Today I got up at like 1:30, yeah I pretty much slept all day lol. After I got up I exercised, ate, and watched a movie, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya sisterhood. The movie just ended and it is now 5:16. I just keep pondering over how I got to where I am today. I have memories of my life, just as everyone does, but most of it is just a blur. In six months I'll be 22 years old, and what do I have to show for it? I have had experiences in my life that hopefully will be stored in my memories the remainder of my life. Experiences I wouldn't trade for anything with some of the best friends I could ask for. But in all seriousness in twenty years, when I look back, what will I remember of it? I know that I need to pray about what God wants me to do in my life, what my purpose is, but right now I don't feel like I'm making a difference. I give advice here and there but am I really bringing glory to God in anything I do? I don't really care if I have a fancy car, a big house, or a lot of money, I mean I get a mansion in heaven that will last forever, why would I want one down here that will just waste away? I mean I want to have enough money to have a house and a car and be able to support a family one day, but I don't think one should base their life off achieving that. That's not our purpose. I do want to be in a career though that I enjoy, that I don't hate to get up and go to everyday. I hold the quality of my life over the quantity of things that I own. I do realize that here in this world we sometimes have to make sacrifices and suffer for the good but God loves us and I don't believe He would want us to be in a position where we would be miserable everyday for no cause. I hope in twenty years when I look back at this point in my life, I remember what God was doing in my life, my amazing friends, the experiences that I've had. I suppose I just need to keep seeking God and He will lead me into what I'm supposed to do with my life. I plan to be in prayer about what I can do to further bring glory to Him as well. In the end God's plan will prevail. : )

-JB

Near Death...

Last night I went to sleep around 4 a.m., at 4:30ish I woke up gasping for air. Realizing that I had just had a dream, I laid there in shock evaluating the dream that at the time felt so real. In the dream I was in the car with my aunt, I was driving, she was in the passenger seat. As I was driving my vision started getting blurry. I told her to take the wheel. She asked why and I said just take the wheel. She reached over and took the wheel while I tried to figure out what was happening. My vision seemed a little better so I told her I thought I was okay and took over driving. I remember driving a bit further and seeing a bale of hay in the road. After that things got fuzzy again and I blacked out. When I came to I was really close to the windshield. I wasn't wearing a seat belt and came close to going through the windshield but didn't. I could see car parts lying all over the pavement and could smell something burning. I tried to yell at Vickie to ask if she was okay but couldn't. I then realized that she was trying to pull me out of the car. I could feel the air bag and the seat as she pulled me out onto the asphalt. I laid there looking up at the dark sky and the smoke that was rising into the air. I prayed for God to help me. I tried to speak but couldn't, I was choking on my own blood. It was hard for me to breathe. My last thought before waking up was, this is it, I'm going to die.

-JB

The early bird gets the.....money for bills??

I went to bed at twelve something last night and woke up at nine, in the morning! I know shocking right? So around 9:40 my nanny (grandma on dads side) calls and asks me if I would like to go help her clean mimaw's (nanny's mom) bedroom because they are supposed to bring her a hospital bed to put in there to make her more comfortable and make everyone's lives easier in general. She, my nanny, told me that if I went she would give me some money on my bills, so having no money, of course I said yes. She says she'll be to pick me up in 15 minutes so I start to get ready. I went in the kitchen to get some ibuprofen, when I saw a note to me from Vick (my aunt, whom I live with), she had wrote down a list of chores and said if I did them she would pay for my car insurance. So I went to mimaw's and cleaned, and then came home and cleaned. The money is in the bank for my insurance and I have $45 towards my phone bill of $107 and $20 for gas for this week. My nanny also told me that if I would go help her another day this week she would give me the rest. So that's one less thing I have to worry about. : ) Hopefully home depot will call soon and I can be a self reliant member of society again, but until then God has given me an awesome family who is willing to help me out and I'm truly thankful.
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Plans in Decay

I have plenty of regret
In this life of mine
I feel like everything is set
Drawn out in a line
The mistakes I have made
Still haunt me today
Happiness forbade
My plans in decay
My dreams are no more
They've drifted away
My eyes are sore
At the end of the day
From crying these tears
That do me no good
From all the fears
That I'm misunderstood
You say You have a plan
A future and a hope for my life
To Your arms I ran
To escape this strife
Regret in the past
My dreams restored
I now have a hope that will last
From the life that you poured

-JB
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My God, My Guide

One thing that I have been praying about lately is for God to show me what career I'm supposed to go into, and what I'm supposed to do to spread the good news and to glorify Him. I'm still not entirely sure but I'm going to continue to seek Him and I'm sure He will guide me. : ) I do have to get a job and save up before I can go back to college so that should give me a little bit of time. See, when I went to college the first time I really wasn't motivated. I mean the classes I didn't drop I did fairly well in but that was the problem, I dropped quite a few of my classes. Mostly during stressful times in my life, but still, I have to learn to deal with the stressful situations in life and give my problems to God instead of running from them. The solution to my school dilemma is for me to save up and pay for so many credits and do well in the classes, then I can get financial aide again and I can continue on whatever path God sets out before me. If you would have talked to me about this a year ago I would have told you my whole life plan without even thinking. I would always have everything planned down to the T. But I've changed a lot in the past year. Not saying I don't plan to an extent but I'm not nearly as bad as I was. It says somewhere in the book of Psalm that you can make your plans, but God will direct your steps. His overall plan is greater than we can even begin to imagine, so it kind of trumps ours lol. This past week I have gotten back into a routine. I've decided I need to be healthier so I'm going to try to exercise 5 days a week, and I'm going to start washing my face and brushing my teeth twice a day, and just little things to try to make a better me. I'm not doing this for anyone but myself, which is why I think I'm so happy about it. I honestly believe that God wants us to be healthy, happy, people and I'm working towards that. I have zero scripture to back that up but in my mind it makes sense haha. Anyways, even though I am getting back into a routine, I know that I couldn't go back to the control freak I was before because God should have control over my life not me. He gave His only Son so I could have eternal life with Him, the least I can do is give Him my life here on earth right? And it is hard to give Him our problems and worries and even our time sometimes but that's what He wants. He wants a relationship with us, He wants to be involved in every aspect of our lives, big or small. Jesus said to take up our cross daily and follow Him. Which to me means we have to try our best to let go of our selfish selves and be Christ-like, to put Him first in our lives above everything else, and to give our lives completely over to Him. That's all for tonight. Below are a few verses I found tonight that really spoke to me. Until next time... : )
-JB

The LORD will guide you continually,
And satisfy your soul in drought,
And strengthen your bones;
You shall be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.
-Isaiah 58:11

For this God is our God for ever and ever: he will be our guide even unto death.
-Psalm 48:14

You will guide me with Your counsel,
And afterward receive me to glory.
-Psalm 73:24

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Early Morning Thoughts...

Its 2:14 a.m. As I lay here in bed I start to think, which on a normal day is a very dangerous thing, but today is different. Today has been a really good day for me. And when I say today I don't mean the 2 hours of the day that I'm in, I'm referring to the time since I woke up until now haha : ) Anyways, most of today I've spent by myself, listening to contemporary Christian music, eating, watching cartoons (yes I am 21 years old and still watch cartoons :P), reading, doing laundry, folding/putting away clothes, until my aunt came home and I helped her measure rooms for the hardwood floors she wants, and watched an exercise cd with her while sitting in recliners (unproductive, yes, but we plan to start this routine tomorrow ^_^), I watched a little bit more tv, read a little more, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and now here we are. So I'm just going to share a little bit of what's on my mind this early morning.....I'm not currently in school or working and I don't have a boyfriend, sounds depressing right? Actually at this present moment in time, I'm happy. I should probably be upset about all three of these facts, and most of the time I stress out about them a lot, but right now I'm okay with it. God has a plan for my life and I just have to trust Him. I'll explain my current situation a bit further. I am employed but because of the season I'm not getting any hours, but hopefully I will have another job soon. I applied to the home depot and they have sent off my background check so I'm hoping that's a good sign. School, well that's a story in itself but the gist of it is I have no idea what career God is leading me into. I honestly believe that He will guide me into what I am supposed to do. I've been wanting to learn sign language so I may save up money and go and take classes for my certificate in that. I'm just going to pray about it and see which direction God sends me in. In Psalm it says He will direct our steps, so I'm just holding onto that. Lately I've been reading a lot in the book of Psalm. I'm trying to read at least five chapters a day so I can finish it in a month, that's my goal at least. And to the subject of a boyfriend... I actually broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years a little over a year ago. It had been a year on December 24th, Christmas eve, I know that sounds awful, but I guess stuff happens. To be perfectly honest I'm not entirely sure why it fell apart, and it really wasn't all that bad, he is a really great guy, I just felt like we had drifted apart, like it wasn't equal, like our relationship wasn't as important. I'm not sure if that makes sense but regardless it ended. This past Christmas was rough because all I could think about was what a horrible person I was for doing that to him, especially around the holidays, but I'm a strong believer in everything happens for a reason and I wouldn't be where I am today if we were still together. I wouldn't be as close to God as I am now and I wouldn't have the awesome friends that I have grown to love with everything in me. I have no clue what I would have done if they hadn't been there for me. At one point this year I fell out of church, I got into things of my past, partying and such. My friends didn't give up on me, and God didn't give up on me. When I'm stupid and I stray away, no matter how big or small the mistakes, He always brings me back to Him. He is my first love and I don't ever want to let Him go. I am just working now to get as close to Him as I can and to seek direction in my life. He will send me my perfect match when the time is right. It may be a stranger, someone I'm going to meet in the future, or it could be a friendship that will grow into something more. I don't know the plan that God has for my life but I know He'll take care of me and all my needs. I feel strongly that He is molding me and my future husband into who we need to be, for Him, and for each other. I know I'll worry about these things again, so I'm not going to lie and say I won't, but it really is pointless, and I'm hoping that I can look back at this and feel the feeling I have now, of peace. Peace and joy from God because I'm trusting Him with my life and not trying to fix it all on my own. I've got bills I'm not going to have the money to pay come the first of the month, my "you're about to run out of gas light" aka idiot light, is on, and still no hours, but I have faith that my needs will be met. I have an awesome family that has helped me out a lot through my financial troubles and I am truly grateful for them. God has blessed me with so much in this life and I don't deserve any of it. He has given me so much, I honestly owe Him everything, all of me, my whole life.

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. -Matthew 10:39

That's all for tonight I suppose its been exactly an hour since I started writing this. I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes.
-JB

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
-Marilyn Monroe

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Grace

You stand there waiting on the day
That He's coming back for you
You try to stand up straight
And do what you should do
He died to take away your sin
You are now seen blameless in Gods sight
So why are we back here again
Just praise God and live your life
All He wants is a relationship with you
Not for you to constantly apologize
And spread the good news to who
Everyone, they are equal in Gods eyes
Not excusing anyones sin
But you have been bought with a price
Now all we need is to begin
Looking like Christ
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Not Knowing

You left me here
In this dark place
When you took your last breath
I'm filled with fear
That you've lost your case
Since your death
I don't know what to do
I don't know where to go
I can't do this alone
This is all so new
I'm at my all time low
I can't look at this stone
I don't think I can breathe
How do I go on
How do I cope with this
I need to grieve
But I won't admit that you're gone
All the times you will miss
Goodbye sweet love
I hope you're in a good place
Somewhere I can see you again
In heaven above
Where I can touch your face
Let the healing begin
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Love, a four letter word <3

Love is a four letter word I know
But its one I just can't let go
It means I'll be there till the end
By your side, an everlasting friend
It means I'll hold you when you cry
And never really say goodbye
It means to be there in times of need
And appreciate every deed
It means to look past every flaw
And to catch you when you fall
It means to do little things just to show I care
And comfort you when the worlds not fair
It means to say sorry even when you're wrong
And when you're weak I will be strong
Love is a four letter word I know
But its one I just can't let go
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