Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. I've had a lot on my mind today. The thoughts in my head bounce around from the topics of those who have impacted me in my life and helped me to become the person I am today, the loss that I faced this past year, and what the future is going to hold.

Growing up I've had several people in my life that have helped raise me. I've learned a lot from every one of them because they have experienced different things and have different views of the world to offer. I think maybe that's why I'm so open minded to what others think. I don't always, or normally don't, agree with what others think, but I am open to the idea that they could be right, or the fact that in their reality that maybe that's what they need to believe. I'm so thankful for every one of these people. I don't think that I show them that enough. That makes me feel selfish on most days. It's just really hard for me to find a balance to life. How do you find the time for everyone you feel like you need time for, still make time for yourself, and fulfill your responsibilities? Maybe it's something I still have to grow into. I always try to plan everything out and fit everything neatly into a schedule, but life just doesn't work that way. I hope that these people that have tried so hard to ensure my happiness are proud of the person I am becoming. I hate the thought of disappointing people. To an extent you have to live life to make yourself happy, but I feel like it's equally important to make sure those around you are happy too. Showing love to others and spreading smiles is what keeps this world from being a dismal place. Lately I've been a little bit more down than usual and I haven't been showing kindness as a side effect. I'm going to start showing little acts of kindness again because not only does it make me happy but it makes others happy as well. I read somewhere once that if you're sad you should do something for someone else because that is one of the most uplifting things you can do. They were right. Sometimes you don't even feel like showing kindness when you start and by the end you're happy that you did. Seeing the smiles on the faces of the people that you've helped is payment enough for any time or money that you may have spent. I'm thankful that my family instilled in me a good heart. There are people I meet daily that unfortunately weren't as lucky. Not that they couldn't still change the way they view the world, but it's just easier if you know how to look at things in a positive light from an early age. Always looking for the silver lining.

I guess today I'm trying to look for the silver lining in the fact that I lost my baby this year. Even though I never got to meet him, I named him Aiden King. Not many people know this fact but that doesn't make it any less true. It being Mother's Day, and close to the time that I would have given birth, it makes today a little bleh for me. I remember when I found out that I was pregnant I wasn't really that excited because it wasn't planned at all. I didn't even think I could get pregnant because of some other issues that I had had prior. It was a shock to say the least. As the weeks went by though I became very fond of the thought that there was a life growing inside of me and that one day I would hold it in my arms and love it forever. I became really protective of it. Then I had the dream that I lost it. Since my dreams have a bad habit of coming true I tried to brace myself for what I feared was coming. It didn't help at all. I went to the hospital one day because I had a horrible feeling that something was wrong, and I was right. My baby had stopped growing. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. Devin was there for me and helped comfort me along with some of my friends and family. Dev tried to get me to see the silver lining by saying that it wasn't under the right circumstances, and he was right. It doesn't take away the fact that I fell in love with something that I could never see or hold. I know that my life probably wouldn't be where it is now if things hadn't happened the way they did so in a way I'm thankful for the way things turned out, but the other half of me just wishes that I hadn't had to give up something I loved. People say that there's nothing like a mother's love, they're right. It's probably the strongest emotion that I've ever felt in my life. The connection. The love I have for Devin is probably as strong but we're connected but in a different sense. Probably a more important sense. I feel like I'm connected to Devin through my mind, my heart, and my spirit. When we have a child it's going to be the best child in the entire universe, ever. If it's anything like him then it will be perfect.

Some days I want a baby now. I see other people and their children and I want that. Then other days I think about how different life would be with a child and I don't think I'm ready. I am just so afraid that I'll end up having to lose time with Devin and us not get to be silly like we are now. I don't get to see him enough as I'd like now. If we had a child, we'd have to find a bigger place so we'd have room for the baby and all it's things, we'd have to try and work as much as possible so we could give our child everything that it needed/wanted, and we'd have to make sure that we could work, spend time together, and spend time as a family to give our child the attention that it needed. Having a child is a big commitment. Even if it's not soon, I know that one day Devin and I will have a family together. We're a family of two now, but one day we'll make it grow. I know that Devin will be an amazing father. I just hope that I can be the mother that it deserves and the wife that Devin deserves.

I guess that's all for today. I'm going to try to motivate myself to get some things accomplished. Talk to ya soon! (: