The Breaths We Take

Sooooo, me updating this more often didn't really happen because, as usual, life got hectic. Since last being on here, I got married to the love of my life, Devin. The wedding was wonderful, despite Dev hating the pictures haha. We haven't gotten the pictures back yet, but as soon as we do I'll be sure to post some on here. We've moved into an apartment and are adjusting to living on our own. Budgeting everything and trying to make sure we've saved enough to pay the bills has been stressing me out but I'm hoping that as soon as it becomes routine things will be less stressful. I'm still working at D&D and thankfully I'm getting more hours. My boss has been awesome with working with me to make sure that I have enough hours to survive. Dev works at food city and they've been giving him more hours too so that's somewhat  reassuring. When I get stressed out my OCD becomes worse and I have bad thoughts and junk though so I'm trying to deal with that. I really have no reason to be down because my life is wonderful. Just, sometimes my body is like, "nope, you're gonna be down today". I'm trying to fight it though. I went outside and meditated by a tree today and that seemed to help a lot. Dev suggested the meditating. He always has good ideas. I've always felt better when in nature too. When I was younger I used to go into the woods between my Nanny and Dad's houses and hide when I was upset. I remember a specific time when my Granny passed away that I went to this spot. It was a lot of little trees that entwined together forming a kind of canopy that I could just crawl into, sort of like a cave made of branches. I was upset because everyone was eating, talking, and laughing just like everything was okay, and it wasn't. My dad found me and tried to explain that everyone deals with things differently and that they were trying to be happy that she wasn't suffering anymore and was in a better place. I still felt like they were being stupid. He coaxed me out of my tree cave, but I felt safe there. Kind of like, like being surrounded by nature was protecting me in a sense. Protecting me from the harshness of the real world. I still kind of get that feeling. Sitting by that tree today, feeling the hot sun on my body, the breeze against my skin, the grass underneath me, I felt at home. It gets old walking around on concrete everyday. I like to feel the earth beneath my feet. I like to know that even when everything else feels like it could fall apart, I know I won't, because the trees, and the grass, and the flowers, they keep growing. The sun keeps shining. I can go on. Even, in the future, when I lose those that I love with everything in me, I'll have to find a way to remember this. I've been worrying about that a lot lately. I know it's a silly thing to worry about since I can't control it. I just hate the thought that everyone I hold dear I'll eventually have to say goodbye to. I know that their energies will still be around and I know that I'll always be able to tell the stories of the memories I've made with them to keep them alive in my heart, but I'm afraid of that void that I know will exist. I don't spend enough time with my family. I don't want to give up time with Dev or my friends either though. There just isn't enough time in life. People go about life like they have all the time in the world, they don't. Realistically I could die tomorrow and not have to watch everyone go before me, but the thought of their sadness saddens me too. There's really not a winning approach when looking at death. It's hard. Saying goodbye to those you love, and them saying goodbye to you, it's just hard. Even trees eventually wither away though. Even flowers turn to dust. It's a cycle. Maybe my Granny is living her life as someone else now, maybe she's in heaven, maybe she's the energy I use everyday to get up for work, I don't know. All I know for sure is that she was real, her hugs were real, the time I got to spend with her watching Wheel of Fortune and eating candies were real, her impact on my family was real. There may be a day when my memory fades and I don't remember all the things that I wish I could, but hopefully I'll be able to look back on things like this and a glimpse will reappear. I'm trying to win this debate with myself over whether to try and not get attached to people or not. On one side, if I don't get that attached to people then death can't destroy me. On the other side, if I don't truly put my feelings into people and love them completely then what's the point of life. I've distanced myself from my family for years because of this. I've lost people in my family since my Granny, and yeah it hasn't hurt as bad since, but I also didn't put myself into these people, I didn't let them impact me. The family I am really close to, my Nanny and Paw, Vick and T, my Dad and Kim, Mom, and Tim, my siblings, my Grandma, if I lost them I'd be hurt a lot. If I lost Devin, I'd be destroyed. That scares me so much. I talked to a woman I worked with at Home Depot a few years ago about this topic. She had lost her husband a year prior and was still heavily grieving over him. I told her I had a personal question about her husband but she didn't have to answer if she didn't want to. I wasn't trying to be insensitive, but I had to know. I asked, "Is it worth it? Losing him, I mean. Would you do it all over again if you knew you would have to go through this much pain?". She said she would do it all over again in a heartbeat. She said that the times they had together were worth more to her than anything. I wouldn't trade anything for the times I have with Devin. That's why I try my best to not get hateful with him and show him how much I love him. I'm so afraid that one day I won't be able to. I want to leave him with happy memories of me and I want to have happy memories of us. He's honestly the reason I smile everyday. Us being married, and me knowing that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me is wonderful. I only wish I didn't have these morbid thoughts from time to time. I wish that when I got stressed my mind didn't wander to scenarios of impossibilities. This has turned into a depressing rant and I apologize. This just helps me clear my head I guess. Getting all my thoughts down. Maybe that's what I need to do anyway. Maybe I just need to write more instead of keeping everything bottled inside of my head. Time to go for today, hopefully since we have internet now this can become a routine thing. Much love to all.